what do u do when you feel worthless and like nothing you do matters. Like the more you do…the worse of a situation you find yourself in. I try to claw my way out but somehow i end up digging a deeper hole. Eventually you would think things would have to give you a break…things would have to be okay again. I feel like im loosing my footing…my grip on everything i have. My paranoia is going to be the death of me. I can't seem to let it just go. Let the chips fall where they may. I somehow feel that as they are falling i can hurry catch them all and then stack them in a neat little pile. This is a rediculous concept…unachieveable and unrealistic but yet i fret and worry and get so wrapped up in having to have order, to make things right… 

what do you do when you can't even take a break from the one who causes you the most pain…Sometimes i just want to stop. My mind to stop racing…my body from feeling the sick, sinking, hollow emptiness. To be paranoid free. Medications don't even clear my head of that. It gets clouded..masqued up and left behind boarded up windows. Still ravaging the walls and trying to break free. So what then….What happens when nothing..not even medication can get rid of the incessant clawing and gut wrenching mind race. 

I've grown tired and don't want to fight any longer. I know that I have to because no one else will do it for me…no one else can make it go away if I can't. So am i stuck…with this! forever? you have got to be kidding me. this is what my life is…I want to know how someone can turn off the silent screaming and the suffocating worry…i want to know. Because all the breathing exercises and 'distractions' won't cure this when i'm alone in the dark. 

Maybe today's just an extraordinary bad day…and i'm sure tomorrow it won't be this hard. and i'll be back to 'normal' wherever the hell THAT is. Where the voice and the screaming isn't that loud. where its just at a normal level .. normal enough that i can block it paritally so that its not tearing me down. I just am so tired of bad days. 


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