The strangest thing has been happening lately where I feel like my entire life is diametrically opposed. Like a bad (or maybe really really good) Twilight Zone episode; everything seems polar opposite. To those of you that know me, you’ll see the irony in that, being that I suffer from BPD. For example….. I go through the day amped up, heart pounding through my chest, anxiety ridden on the inside; falling asleep on the outside. How is it even possible to be riddled with such anxiety yet seemingly lethargic? I’m aware that the lethargy is a result of the large doses of Ativan I’m on, it just –feels- odd.
Then there’s my emotional state; how can I be so happy yet so absolutely miserable all in the same breath. Some aspects of my life are going better than they’ve ever gone, and I couldn’t ask for more. I feel euphoric almost. Others areas? I feel broken, empty, dark.
Now, I’m fully aware that this –could be- a byproduct of the BPD, as I have been known for rapid cycling. I go up and I go down faster than a bad roller coaster. I just wish the ride would stop.
Lately, I’ve been having that “sick of it all” feeling again. The feeling that last time landed me in a very dark place attempting things I ought not be attempting, contemplating things a father never should. This feeling seems to be the only constant in my life. Through the highs and the lows, it’s there with me for the ride.
The OCD has been a wonderful sidekick, I’ve been checking and counting like a professional. Hell if counting stairs, steps, cracks, window panes, tiles, etc were worthy of a career I would be in a good position. Unfortunately all it serves is to occupy my brain on its spare cycles.
The anxiety has gotten so much worse. I hear my heartbeat in my ears at times, I clinch my fists, grind my teeth, curl my toes, flex my muscles, all for what? Who knows. Can the anxiety get any worse than –this-?
What I fear most is where does this all go from here? Does the anxiety completely take over and render me incapacitated? Do the highs get higher and the lows lower? Does the checking get worse? Do I effect change in my life and will taking control of my destiny put out the fire? I’ve tried every CBT/DBT trick I’ve been taught to date; I’ve belly breathed to the point of feeling faint. Nothing.
I don’t have the answers, only a headache…. …..and 5 bottles of pills meant to make it all better