It’s 11:30am, and I’ve been awake for the past two days. I gave up eating. And I’m just here, breathing. This computer has been my only reliable friend through the years, and I realize that by saying that, I sound very… Geeky, I guess is the right term.
I’ve been friends with a girl from Finland for the past 3 years. She has bipolar disorder as well. Although to me, it really doesn’t seem like it. She knows all about my depression, my struggle with drugs, everything. A few hours ago I tried to tell her, I really don’t see a point in living anymore, and she goes, "It’s always the same old thing with you." I know I’m no saint, I sometimes act mean, but never have I shunned her when she literally said, "I don’t want to live anymore." It was a slap in the face, it hurt. A lot. We argued for about 2 hours, at one point I said, "For all you know, you’re putting the final nail in the coffin right now." Long story short, she said, "I don’t care." I felt so worthless, that my one good friend, was acting this way to me, when I was considering suicide. At one point she said, "What’s the problem?" I said, "I’m depressed." She goes, "That’s just an additude problem." I lost it, I started crying. I started cutting again, I haven’t cut in 2 years. But I didn’t tell her. I just changed the conversation around and acted happy and hyper. Showed her some clothes via webcam I’m told her I can give her… But it’s only because I have no use for them.
My parents don’t really like talking to me about my emotions. They just always say, "Tell the doctor." or "Tell the therapist." I don’t want to tell them though. It’s like disappointing them. My grandmother has Parkison’s disease, and I just watch her get sicker and sicker. I get so depressed because I know I can’t help her.
I don’t even know if anyone has read this all. I just need something to do.
My parents are aruging about my brother getting oil (kero) for the house. They argue over everything. My brother’s never home to hear any of it. It’s either about him, money, or my dad’s suspicions about my mother. I don’t have anywhere to escape to. When my dad’s mad at someone, he screams to me about them. Ditto for my mother. And my brother will complain to me about everything.
I’m just really sick of everything.
Thanks for reading. If you didn’t stop from boredom.