Another lonely train passing through the night. The eastern breeze carries it here and makes it sound like it's almost in our backyard. Funny how you don't hear it while you're trying to sleep.

I am obviously not asleep. I got up to use the restroom and came up stairs for some cookies and milk (shhh! Don't tell anybody!) and ended up on the floor scrubbing with my Mom. Her dog is sick and made a really huge mess on the carpet. Talk about bonding time of high quality, huh? She put the dog out for the night and went back to bed, but here I am, still not ready to go back to sleep yet.

It's been a rough day for me. I've been feeling down and tired all day and even took 2 naps but little seemed to help. So I've been kind of emotional and grouchy. The only thing that Aaron and I did today was do some minor grocery shopping early this afternoon. The rest of the time I spent reading or sleeping until I had to work at 5.

Work was fine but it was rough in a way too. It seemed like the clock was against me today even though I stayed busy the whole time. And they kept playing these songs on the radio that were from my past with another man, and I didn't want to listen because the memories hurt some still, but no matter what I did I could still hear them as clear as daylight. It really sucked. At least the customers were nice tonight too. That helped me a lot.

I guess I feel like maybe this low dosage of Ritalin isn't working good enough and that I need to switch to the higher dosage. I'm nervous about it though because I'm concerned about having anxiety. So far it has not really been much ofa problem, but ifI double the dosage I might. I'm sure my doctor will have some words of wisdom next week for me about what I shoulddo. He'll probably want to try the higher dosage.We can always cut it inhalf again if it doesn't work out.

I have more tosay but I'm not sure how to say it. I love my husband more than I can say,but I feel like somethingis missing in our relationship. I can't pinpoint it, it's just a nagging feeling. I think part of it is his unwillingness to help clean up after ourselves and keep a nice tidy apartment. It drives me up the wall to live in a messy, cluttered space. It makesme feel overwhelmed and upset every time I look at it. I don't even know where to start to try to clean everything up. But that's only part of the problem and I can't figure out the rest.

When I came home the whole family was watching another Star Wars movie, so I ate and then sat down and watched it with them. I kind of disagreed with allowing my son to watch this one because it wasa bit graphic, but he did just fine and we talked about how it was just a movie, and while it looked real it was all imaginary. His response? " I KNOWMom!"

So that's all I've got to say. I'm gettingchilled outhere in the wind because I'm tired and it's cool, so I'm going to go snuggle back into bed with my husband. I wishyou all a nice Saturday!

2 Comments
  1. mentalhell 7 years ago

    It's very easy to think when we feel like this that there is something missing from something. I know I don't have a husband and I'm a bit young to talk about relationships but I always feel there's something missing with me and my personality. I've always been told to look at the positives.. even though it's very hard it may help just to think of things you are grateful of. Maybe you can talk to him about the mess and how it makes you feel? Mess has the same effect on me, when you feel down enough already.. you don't want to look around and feel worse. It's hard to motivate yourself to get up and do it aswell in this mood.. but if you get up and do it I can assure you It will do the world of good and make you feel much better.

    I hope you feel better soon and have a good weekend!

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 7 years ago

    What's missing, I think is space, When anyone is out of sorts, there really isn't any space for solitude.

    I think, I'm with your husband. When quarters are so tight, it probably feels cluttered anyway. So why bother. Besides, for him, it is part and parcel of the mental illness. Who knows how well he is really dealing with the cramped space?

    Men in our society society are supposed to take it all and suffer in silence. You only know about yours and maybe your mother's but not his. Whjo know he may hate his job as much as your mother hates hers.

    As for the medication,it maybe more flexible than just doubling it.

    Higs Mary XX

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