It has been a very short night for me….I slept hard for the 7 hours I got, but now I'm up at 5 a.m. I guess that's not so bad ~ it's much better than 2 a.m. like I've been getting up or staying up until. I love this time of day; for me it's alone time to think, relax and do my own thing. The only thing I can't really do is practice violin or viola because it would wake everyone up. So instead I've got the Christmas tree lit up, hot coffee with peppermint mocha creamer, and the night and me.

Yesterday turned out to be a fairly busy day for me. I didn't have a whole lot of energy but somehow I got a lot done. This Cogentin is really working well forme about getting rid of the restlessness and some of the depression. I guess I can deal with taking one more pill everyday if this is the end result. The only things I don't like are the dry mouth (not too bad though) and the sleepiness it sometimes causes me. I've GOT to fix my sleep schedule ~ now that Zachary is over the flu I need to get back to a normal sleep schedule again; otherwise I end up hypomanic or depressed. When I don't sleep right it usually kicks off an episode; usually hypomania.

Anyhow, we got up pretty late, but I was up from 2:30 a.m. until 5:30 a.m. so I considered it to be my right to sleep in since we didn't have Zachary. Aaron got up even later. After a little while we dropped of some things at my friend's house, and we all decided to go out to brunch together, which was nice. Then it was time to go pick up Zach from my mother-in-law's house, so I had Aaron drop me off at the house before he headed up there (yes, I'm still avoiding her as much as possible). I took a nap, and when I got up I went and planted new flowers in my garden. My Mom has a 35 gallon aquarium that has just been sitting there full of green algae in the living room, not a single fish in it ~ so I decided that since it was disgusting and such an eye sore that I would clean it. Oh man was it gross! It took me about an hour to get it clean inside and out. But I got it done and we sifted and cleaned the gravel and the plants and set it up in a new place in the house. We refilled it and put some AquaSafe in it. That way when we get fish in it they'll be happy and healthy.

After seeing to that I ended up vacuuming and we put away all the boxes that hold our Christmas decorations. Since they're all up now (except for outside lights) we don't need them cluttering up the living room, so up to the attic they went.

I'm debating on whether or not to send Zachary to school today. He hasn't had a fever in 2 days now and he's not getting sick anymore, but he tires very easily and is cranky. I'm afraid that if he goes today it will lead to a relapse and he's finally getting better. I don't know what to do ~ I think I'll have him go to school and then if he feels bad he can go to the clinic and I can pick him up there. That seems to be the best scenario; he's already missed a full week of school. He needs to try to go anyhow. He's only got a week and a half left of school before Winter Break and he's got a lot of catching up to do. I don't want him to have more.

I've been feeling down most of the day, more crying for no reason but it's short and sweet in duration. Instead of crying for 10 minutes I'll cry for 2 and then I'm fine; weird and disturbing.

My last blog brought up some pretty intense memories and feelings, and I'm currently trying to work through those. They say the heart wants what it wants without reason, and I think that's true. No matter how much I want to forget all of those past issues with other men ~ I can't get my brain to tell my heart to shut up. The last guy that I randomly felt like that about was the hardest for me to deal with and NOT allow anything to happen between us. But my heart still ocassionally whispers his name and when I close my eyes I see him and I hear his voice. I can see his beautiful artist's hands and the length of his fingers, the golden hair on the the knuckles. It's driving me bonkers. It would probably help a lot if I didn't have to see him from time to time, but that's not possible. He's my old manager from the music store and I still shop there when I need things for teaching or upkeep and maintenance on my instruments. That store is the only one around the area, and I'd much rather buy from them than get it online. I don't like ordering things online because I can't touch it and decide if I like it before I buy it. I just try not to go in there unless I have to now.Besides, that job gave me some bitter memories about the boss there and the way he treated people and the desire to avoid seeing my ex-manager. Being near him for any length of time makes me go through this all over again ~ denying my feelings, crying about it because I feel like a bad person because of said feelings, then working through it to remind myself that it's okay, I didn't do anything wrong, nothing ever came close to happening between us or me leaving Aaron. I remind myself that this is part of my illness and my past ~ this man reminds me of my Dad in his personality ~ at least the Dad that I loved when I was a young child. So I've got Daddy issues; how many other people do too? It's not an unusual thing these days anyhow.

On to other subjects. Today I've got to go to the petstore and get more rabbit food and snacks. I'll undoutedly go look at fish for Mom's tank and maybe buy a few. I want her to populate her tank the way she likes it. Maybe I'll just get her a betta to start with. Did you know that you can put them in a community aquarium. They love the room and the freedom and in turn they get large and beautiful colors and fins. That's what I'll do.

Alright, my cup of coffee is getting cold, time to reheat it. I wish you all a beatiful day ahead and hope that you're well. Love and light to you always ~ Key