(This blog was inspired by my earlier chat with Jefffredericks, who kindly let me vent. Thx again Jeff.)

Having a hard time, I guess. Last night I dreamt of other sources of my trauma and anger, this time by doctors supposed to help me. And its not as though I'd forgotten about them, but dreaming of them has brought up a lot of pain. I don't know that I'd repressed those memories because I've talked about them to others before. But all my blogging about anger yesterday must have opened my brain to it a bit more than usual.

I was traumatized in different ways by 3 separate doctors and a former employer – a female one at that. All within a few years of each other. My old therapist told me I have PTSD. I hate feeling like a victim, but worse than that, I can't stand the fact that I was treated so badly and I didn't fight back in any of those instances. What's stranger still is that I am no "shrinking violet" and I have never been one to back down from a confrontation. But these were professionals and since I was not an inappropriate person, I didn't feel like I could fight back, which is the very thing that keeps me raging inside. I feel like everything hit me at once, too. All my friends left because they didn't understand why I couldn't move past my issues, and apparently their friendship membership doctrine adopted a "Shiny Happy People ONLY" policy, so I was abruptly dismissed.


I just don't trust anyone anymore. I trust strangers far more than relatives or those who ever claimed to be friends. Certainly not my parents, who never understood me anyway, much less when I'm in deep depression. My mother certainly makes it all about herself: "Why don't you want to talk? Are you mad at me?" I love her, but my mother is a very spiteful person. In my healthier days she would talk to me about ways she was plotting to get back at my brother for not being in touch with her. And not in any joking manner. And I don't trust doctors, which makes it difficult since I obviously need medical help.
I feel stuck. Like the brakes have completely locked up on me. How do I move on?



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