I know something is wrong. For the past 4 years I have been pulling away from family and friends. The last 6 months I have pulled away from nearly all of them. This last week or so I feel the urge to cut off everyone I know. Even to leave here.
This really worries me because in the past it has happened just before the strong suicidal thoughts and plans came.
I am trying my best to remind myself that I need to have connections to other people. I am trying so hard to ignore the thoughts that tell me that nobody likes me anyway and that all I do is hurt those I care about and that everyone is better off without me. I know in my head that those are just insecurities and lies but its often hard to get my heart to believe that.
The last 3 days I have forced, drug, and otherwise beat myself out the door to get out of the hotel room. Its helped but I still feel like its only just keeping me from falling off a deep dark cliff. I feel so frustrated, exhausted, abandoned and hopeless. I dont know if I have ever felt this bad about all areas of everything.
My marriage seems to be doing better. My husband thinks we are a lot better. We were supposed to read this book before our next marriage counseling appointment. This book makes my husband feel there is hope for our marriage and he believes that it is helping us. I read it and I feel soooooo hopeless. It seems to be telling me that I can make him happy, that I can help him……but there is little or nothing he can do to help me and to help me be happy in our marriage. Ugh.
This is not like me at all. I am always the one who can find the silver lining in the darkest cloud. Im always the one who can find a glimmer of hope, find the tiniest soloution. I dont understand where all my hope has gone but I miss it and it scares me.
Its very hard for me to write this and to send it. I never let on how I really feel because I have learned that it is always a bad idea to do that. So bare with me…..I hope this doesnt bother anyone…..I really do.
Once again I am going to drag myself out when the mere thought of leaving the bed to go to the bathroom seems insurmountable. I'll write about it later, when I get home. LoL Give me a few hours to make myself get dressed here.