"Don't know what to do" just went to a whole other level for me. I just realized that I don't have anyone I can trust completely with the full story to anything. I feel like I'm living a lie, which I kind of am. I can't get into the details on here, because I can't trust who is going to read anything. Nobody I know is depressed enough to need this site, but still. This is a mess but yet not, because I'm not enough of a big deal to be in a mess. I wish I could tell the whole story of what's going on and what isn't,but I can't because like I said, you never know who is reading.

Kyle finally texted me today. He just got the letter nowand he said he realizes it must have been hard to write. He said sometimes he misses me too and hopes that I will be happy someday. See, he's perfect. He's like Aragorn telling Eowyn that she's all good, you know, but he can't give her what she seeks. Kyle's just like that you know? He's like out of one of those epic tales. I don't call him my dream Prince for nothing.

But of course I'm never the Princess. Like I said I'm just someone in love with a person they can't have. Or can't have again. I guess before I call myself a "fan" of Kyle's I have to realize that we DID have something. It wasn't all my imagination. Isn't that comforting? Not really… No.

Right now I'm just trying to figure out if this is better than how I felt before, in my previous blogs here on this site when I called him names and said I hated him for ignoring the letter. I guess he's not home much anymore, I mean I know he doesn't live there anymore. And his brothers and sisters aren't exactly great secretaries, which is why it took him 3 months to get that letter. But anyway… what is the difference? I was right, he doesn't feel the same, but he doesn't hate me either. Good, right? I don't know. I just wish I could forget him completely.

Which brings me to the double life/lie thing I had going. God, I don't like to be untruthful, but the shit I get myself into it's the only way to survive. I will never try to meet anyone again. It just leads to more frustraition and more messes and bullshit. I just want people to see me as valuable, instead ofa waste of pathetic flesh. I need to forget about people entirely. Maybe that was always the answer.

Andregarding Kyle, I suppose I should just let it go now. He knows how I feel, there's nothing more to say. At least he was nice about it. He has a high tolerance for bullshit, I will say that for him.


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