As if they couldn't get ANY worse… they do.
My soon to be sister-in-law is about to have a miscarriage. We have NO money. We are actually in the negative in the bank account. My brother accidentally sliced his arm pretty bad at work today, 20+ stitches. And I missed my doctor's appointment with my psych doctor today because I rushed to the hospital to be with him, I have one with my primary tomorrow because something is wrong with my foot, don't know what… And I can't do anything for myself to even TRY and feel better because I don't have a penny to my name. My fiance loves me, I know he does, but I feel like I can't let anyone know how far gone I am mentally because no one, absolutely NO ONE, in my family needs one more bomb dropped on them. We are wallowing in pure shit on Earth, and if anything else could go wrong, I don't know what it could be, because NOTHING is right anymore.
I am seriously considering what to do… I don't want to go to the hospital, but I feel I have really hit rock bottom and, if I don't, I'm going to end up hurt or worse. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. I can't take it anymore. My mind is simply not working in the real world anymore, mainly because I feel like I have no reason to be here anymore. I feel like I am some higher power's fuck toy, like the ants that some sadistic kid burns with a magnifying glass just to see how long it takes them to die… that's me, and the higher power is holding the magnifying glass, burning me bit by fucking bit, just to see how much I can take….
Well, I've come to my breaking point. I want to pick up everything within my reach and just throw it, break it… I can't do it anymore, and I know I've said that a million and one times, but this is absolutely it. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm going to crack and never return to reality. And ya know, that really doesn't sound like such a bad idea anymore.
Well, Dark I have been there. I felt like I was standing on a knife blade in my mind and if i moved even a fraction of an inch I'd be totally crazy. I would stand in one little square in my house and not move. If someone came over I'd do something to be busy because if I talked to them they would see how far gone I was and I'd get committed. Sometimes I felt such deep heart sorrow and utter despair I'd lay on the couch and just stay still. I felt I had failed and that there was not an ounce of good inside my heart. This went on for a couple of years. I still struggle with depression and only recently am starting to see somethings that give me a touch of hope. At my worst, If there was anyone who believed in me I'd talk to them some. Even though their normalcy and the joy I could see they felt hurt me even more because I felt I would never, ever have anything that would give me joy. My heart felt closed.
I watched movies. Many movies. Many, many movies and still watch quite a few. I also real Victor Frankel's book Man's search for Meaning. I did find just the slightes bit of help there. Not help from my pain but help that I could live with pain if I could find just one thing that needed doing that I could do. I also tried to do one thing a day like wash my dishes to clean up a bit. Everything seems worhtless because I was worthless and my life no longer had any meaning. On ad On and On and On day after day. For a couple of years. After the first two years some of the pain slowly waned. It still was there but it wasn't as sharp. Over the next couple of years I found seldom but nonetheless sometimes moments when I would be living in the moment and something would make me feel a bit of wonder without the pain. Then I'd plunge back in only to surface a couple of weeks later for a brief period.
At this writing things have gotten a bit better. I'm a bit afraid to write it for fear it will disappear. And then again I know I will have to go through more times of doubt and fear but I can go through pain. I read the psalms a bit now. I also pray a bit. There were times during this time when if I prayed my heart got hot and fear seized me. Well, I've said enough.
My friend, don't utterly despair. I believe in the future you also can experience some wonder. I will say a prayer for you. If you ever pray say one for me.
I hope you can hold out. There is only one You. The world needs Your YOU.
May God give you hope,
Mike
me too!
I know this is gonna sound cliche but I DO know how you feel. I've been suicidal more times than I care to count because the mere act of breathing was too painful. Living scared me WAY worse than dying. You mentioned breaking things…DO IT!! Punch shit, break shit but don't quit. If suicide is a question, please let it remain just that……a question. Life sucks and it's hard. I lost everything that meant anything to me in 2009. My husband, my house, my pets, my job, however I met an awesome man and when he had to transfer 9 hours away, I went with him (I had no other choice) which meant in addition to all my other losses, I no longer get to see my son who remained behind to finish his senior year in high school. I feel like crap b/c I wasn't strong enough to stay and make it work. I just gave up on everything but I'm still breathing. Get pissed and fight back. I've been mad at God lots of times and questioned His sense of humor. It's like "look already, I have all the character I need" ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Look at Haiti…damn, theyre still digging live ppl out after almost 2 weeks. Wonder what they were thinking while they were lying there buried in rubble. Probably giving up. Hold on, it's always darkest before light. I hope I've said something that will help you. God knows, I don't have answers, just compassion. I hope it's enough….Take care and just put one foot in front of the other…….and hope for the best
You seem to be an example of the saying: When it rains, it pours. Misfortune comes in groups of 3. But there are a couple of others, such as: This too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever. Anything that doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It seems like all these cliches fit you. I think I'd pick the one: This too shall pass. And I would repeat it every time I got overwhelmed.