Well, it's the last day of September . It hasbeen a roller-coaster ride all month long . The past couple of nights I've been waking up several times a night, feeling panicky even though I'm still taking my full Klonopin dosage .
Friday afternoon was not so good – I got home from work and it was as if my whole household had lost their freaking minds! I was already feeling overwhelmed and it just did me in. I started to cry in front of everyone , including my son , and babbling about the list of things I needed to do over the nextfew days without having any down time . (I do very poorly if I work more than 3 days a week, ocassionally I'll push 4 if I'm feelingpretty good . ) I just felt like itwas all too much to handle ; and I crashed and burned emotionally . My husband tried to reassure me that things wouldbe fine, that we would get done what needed to get done and that the minor stuff could wait ~ but in my head it all amounted to the same level of importance to me .
On Saturday I was supposedto go to a friend's wedding , but I contacted heryesterday morning toapologize for our upcoming absence .I just couldn't do it. I needed at least 1 day to be at home before Istarted a 3 day stretch of not having any real time off . But even that didn't go great . My husband and I started arguing all day again , andit started the momenthe got up with demands on me about what we were going to do for the day . This turned into a bigger argument about his attitude and his selfishness and how I felt like he thought our worlds revolved around him . Eventually during the afternoon I just stopped talking . I had nothing good to say , and I wasn't interested in opening up any dialogue with him about anything . When we got home Iwarmed up some coffee, went downstairs and laid down and slept for awhile, since I've been sleeping so poorly at night . I know it's a responseto the stress I'm feeling ~ I wake up at3 a.m. feeling likethere's something I'veforgotten to do, something really importantthat I missed that is going to have direconsequences if I don't do it NOW.
The arguments between my husband and I got to the point where I told him if he was reallyunhappy he could leave without any fear that I would keep our son from him .He says he doesn't want to leave , that he loves us and sometimes it's just really hard but " that's life" and that we are his world . Nice sentiments andall ~ but SHOW ME instead of talking . Honestly I'M to the point where I'm almost ready to ask him to leave .
Some good things did happen in the pet department though. . . April (the cockatiel that I've been trying to nurse back to health for over a week and was pretty certain was going to die ) is suddenly much better ! Today is her last day of antibiotics and she acts like a completely different bird. She's not having a hard time breathing anymore , she started eating and drinking again , she's back in with her mate during the day now and only in the small cage at night because she still needs the warmth from the heating pad the vet had us place underneath her cage.
And as for the bunny , Trigger ~ he amazed me yesterday when it came time to give him his lime-dip bath . If you have never smelled this stuff before , this is what it's like . Sulphur so strong that it gags you , almost like rotten eggs . I expected to be bitten , scratched , kicked and in general beaten up by a terrified, angry little bunny . But after only a minute of struggling against us, he calmed right down and actually LAID DOWN on the cement floor and let us doit . Maybe he decided the warm water felt good , or maybe it kills the itching on contact . I don't know , but I was extremely grateful for how calm he stayed throughout the whole sponge bath. And after we were done I figured he'd runaway from us , angry and resentful about the foul smelling bathing ~ but instead as I sat on the concrete he came up to me, dripping wet and nuzzled my hand ~ which in his language is "Mommy, pet me!". So I sat there with him as he dried off (can't towel dry him , it gets rid of the necessary residue ) and scratched his cheeks and forehead and ears . I adore this rabbit so much ~ he's so special to me. 🙂
I have to go start getting ready forwork now. Yaaaaay (NOT!) . But at least it will bring in some more money and it'll get me away from my husband for awhile .
I hope everyone's having a nice Sunday. Thanks for listening to me complain. I'll try to make the next entry more positive. HUGS to all ~ Key
Hi sweetie I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do and I can understand what you are going thru. It got so bad for me that I was numb to my family and didn't want them around me at all. I'd come home from work and nothing be done and then expecting me to just jump in and do for them. My husband also told me that the kids and I were his world and loved us very much and never wanted to leave but at that point I was like you, show me.
I would jump at anything he said to me and we'd argue and when I'd think back on what we argued about I felt ashamed that I'd gone off like that, honestly they didn't deserve it but it's like I couldn't control myself. I was tired and deeply depressed and it was the depression talking. I sat down and tried to explain this to my husband and kids and some of it they understood but for the most part they didn't understand why I was feeling like I was. It eventually ruined my marriage. The marriage counselor actually told my husband I needed out of my situation and he should take over everything for a while so I could heal. Maybe if he'd given me that chance things could have gotten better but he didn't.
It's hard for others to understand us when we are depressed, it would be awesome if they could just feel what we feel for a day and understand what we go thru. I wish you all the luck and wish I had a good answer for you but could only say what I went thru, I hope it helps just a little bit….
Hi sweetie I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do and I can understand what you are going thru. It got so bad for me that I was numb to my family and didn't want them around me at all. I'd come home from work and nothing be done and then expecting me to just jump in and do for them. My husband also told me that the kids and I were his world and loved us very much and never wanted to leave but at that point I was like you, show me.
I would jump at anything he said to me and we'd argue and when I'd think back on what we argued about I felt ashamed that I'd gone off like that, honestly they didn't deserve it but it's like I couldn't control myself. I was tired and deeply depressed and it was the depression talking. I sat down and tried to explain this to my husband and kids and some of it they understood but for the most part they didn't understand why I was feeling like I was. It eventually ruined my marriage. The marriage counselor actually told my husband I needed out of my situation and he should take over everything for a while so I could heal. Maybe if he'd given me that chance things could have gotten better but he didn't.
It's hard for others to understand us when we are depressed, it would be awesome if they could just feel what we feel for a day and understand what we go thru. I wish you all the luck and wish I had a good answer for you but could only say what I went thru, I hope it helps just a little bit….
Dear SV,
I read your blog and am so sorry you're on the outs with your husband. I know the struggles I have with anxiety and derpession; I can't imagine having to mother a family too. Maybe that's why my relationships fall apart. My boyfriends can't handle the drama.
I have a new psyschiatrist and am transitioning to new meds.Sometimes I wake up at 2am and stay awake til day break. Makes me feel so miserable. Sleep is the #1 thing to protect when we are anxious/depressed. I read that lack of sleep increases cortisol levels.
I've been on social security disability since 2005 for chronic depression. Since then my condition has progressed to bipolar disorder. Before disability, I went from a high paying marketing job to working as a substitute teacher. I could only work 2-3 days a week. I lost my apartment, my car was repossessed; I had to declare bankrupcy.
Have you tried to get social security disability? It took me about 2 years, but I got back pay. I got an attorney who cut through red tape quickly. He did not charge me until I got my $$$
I took klonapen for anxiety. At first Klonapen worked great. Then the drug reversed on me and actually increased my anxiety. I was dependent on Klonapen and had to be hospitalized to withdraw. Three months after the drug was out of my system, I had major withdrawal. Then my doctor talked to me about putting me back on Klonapen! I got a new doctor.
I have CDs and MP3s I play to reduced anxiety. i do hypnosis and guided imagery. It takes listening about 90 times to get results but it is worth the effort. I've also done acupuncture for anxiety relief. Triangular breathing helps me when I feel anxious. Breathe in to a count of 3, hold 4 counts and exhale 5 counts – continue for 2 minutes. That what I practice now and i'll be glad when deep breathing becomes automatic.
Hope your day goes better.
HUGS
Wanda
Hun,i hope things get better for you soon.big (((hugs))) always…