Stuff has happened since my last blog post. My boyfriend's vile father came to stay with us to 'do repairs on the house', bringing with him half of his new clan without asking us. Fair dos, he's the landlord, but he took the piss. He ate our food, drank our drinks, basically used the place like a hotel. He was also very rude to me and made a point of making lots of noise and coming into my room at all hours of the day, telling me I was lazy for being in bed past 7am (I work nights at a bar, 7am is my middle of the night). Anyway the week went on like this and basically after a few incidents his father told him he hated him and wanted us out of the house. We are now living with his mother…not great but only thing we could do under the circumstances.

During all of this I've been stressed, but depression didn't seem to be an issue (maybe I didn't notice with everything else going on). But recently I've sort of slipped into it. I have no desire to see friends or do anything I used to. We're moving to a new city shortly where I've always wanted to go, my boyfriend is going to support me financially while I do work experience/internships….it's everything I've wanted for such a long time. Yet I feel so low and I can't figure out why. I don't feel like I've got any control over my life, and more importantly and disturbingly very recently I feel like I've been deliberately relinquishing it (that's not like me at all, I very much like being in control). It's almost like I've grown apathetic. I find myself quite unattractive now and hate thinking about my appearance, I've naturally had hang ups about my looks before but this feels more sinister. It's like instead of obsessing about my appearance I'm deliberately blocking it out. I feel like everyone hates me too, and I hate talking to people. I can't even make eye contact with anyone and I blush when someone looks directly at me, it's quite embarrassing. I don't trust anyone and don't want to spend time with anyone except a very few people. Last night it was my boyfriend's leaving party for his place of work, he wanted me to come along too. I didn't want to go and meet new people, but I went and the people were kind of ok I guess. I mean I chatted as much as my newly found social anxiety would allow and came across reasonably well (haha probably not) but inside I just wanted to go home, I hated it. I saw the card that my boyfriend was given, it was signed by so many people I couldn't believe it. His present apparently cost more than any leaving present for any employee in the history of the place, and he was only there for 5 months! I know it sounds selfish but all I could think was 'nobody would ever care about me that much'. I can't believe how much of a shit I must be that no-one would do that for me.

Anyway I'm babbling now so I'll go, apologies for being incoherent.


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