I don’t know what to write about now, I just know I need to write. Today is the worst I’ve ever felt, I feel like I’m disappearing and I don’t know what to do. My husband and I had a good weekend, we went on a couple hikes, we went to a nice Indian restaurant (we still have leftovers!), and we went out on a drive to Niles Canyon. We went to Sunnyvale to check out some motorcycle shops, but they were all closed. My husband wants a new motorcycle. I don’t want him to get one, I can’t stand them. I feel like I’m disappearing right now! I don’t know what to do! I can still see my hands in front of me as I type, so I must still be here. The bad voice in my head is telling me frightening things, I wish so much it would stop. This is another sort of stream-of-consciousness blog, similar to the first blog I wrote here.
I’m doing oil pulling with coconut oil, I figure it’s really good for my oral health to do so. I have been lazy about brushing my teeth lately, so this will help a lot. I need help! I feel like I’m disappearing! I have no one to turn to about this, it’s just happening to me. Everything looks so terrible, and I feel like I’m literally disintegrating! I’m trying to drink tea to help calm my nerves, but it only helps so much. I just cast a banishing spell to get rid of all the extraneous orange cones that are out there. There are way too many of them just sitting around, making me feel unsafe. I saw a ridiculous amount of them yesterday, it was absurd and affected me on a visceral level. I used moon water in the spell, to utilize the energy of the full moon. I have to believe that this spell will work, there are so many extraneous orange cones out there, I’m so tired of seeing them everywhere.
I’m drinking the moon water now. I have solar water as well, that I made yesterday. I read recently that solar water is antimicrobial, antiviral, and antifungal, as well as capturing the energy of the sun. The sun is way too bright these days, I don’t understand it, it doesn’t illuminate things properly, it leaves everything in dark shadows. I have placed a blanket over our southern window, because the sun is just too bright, even with the shade down. Yesterday the world looked just terrible to my eyes. The bad voice that I hear was on a roll yesterday, and he’s doing it to me again today. It started as soon as I woke up, as it always does. The moon water tastes so crisp and clean, it’s delicious. I’m sure the solar water will taste good too. I’m going to wait awhile before I drink the solar water, I don’t know if the two waters would cancel each other out in my system. I’m burning sandalwood incense as an offering to Mother Gaia and Mother Selene. I’ve been praying to Mother Gaia to make her world beautiful to me again, because to my eyes things have been so darn ugly. I can’t explain it, it just is. Everything is a blur of dark shadows. It’s very frustrating to have to see the world the way I do.
It’s almost ten o’clock and I haven’t done anything, haven’t gotten dressed, haven’t made the bed, haven’t done the dishes. I did put in a load of wash. I don’t feel like I can do things anymore… I can’t explain it, I just don’t. I’m so sick and tired of hearing the bad voice over and over again. I’m scared because the things the bad voice tells me often happen, or seem to be happening. My friend told me that I shouldn’t be alarmed by that, since the voice is in my head, it has the same access to the same information that I do. So it’s not an all-seeing, all-knowing entity. It just feels that way to me. I’ve done a couple of things from my morning routine, like the oil pulling, and washing my face and putting argan oil with lavender on my face. I put castor oil on my neck as well, I had originally bought the castor oil to help with hair growth, but found it too difficult to wash out of my hair.
My depression stems from the fact that the anxiety doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Neither does the derealization, and the derealization is what’s causing the anxiety. I’m really scared. The bad voice is really freaking me out. I need help but I don’t know where to turn for help, because I can’t explain what’s happening to me. I just feel like I’m disappearing. If my husband were here, I’d be able to kiss him and hold him and have him tell me that I’m safe and that I’m still here, and that everything is going to be ok. I want my husband! It’s 10:14… he’ll be home in seven hours. A little less than seven hours. The sandalwood incense smells amazing, as does my tea. I’m having some Egyptian Licorice tea. I’m waiting for my Vitacost package to come, I bought more of it, plus some Kava Stress Relief tea, and a bottle of bergamot essential oil. I like to use the bergamot in the shower. My Vitacost packages usually come within two days of the order, and it’s not here yet. It’s late. Today is the third day. I also ordered some things from Amazon, they should be here today- I bought kitchen sponges, biodegradable hair ties (who knew there was such a thing?!) lavender flowers and bentonite clay. The bentonite clay is for my husband’s toothpaste that I like to make. You use three tablespoons of clay, three to four tablespoons of water, 5 drops of clove oil, and 10 drops of tea tree oil. You could really use any essential oils, but I find those to be the best for teeth and the mouth.
I realize I’m totally rambling here, but that’s just the way my disorganized mind works these days. I feel really scared, and I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I call 911, I’ll just be taken away to a hospital, when what really helps me is having my husband with me. If I’m 5150’d, I wouldn’t be able to be with him for at least 3 days. The Egyptian Licorice is so good. I wonder what to wear today. Yesterday I wore an old turtleneck sweater that felt new just because it had been so long since I’d worn it. The weather has been warmer lately, though, so I don’t really know what to wear. It’s chilly inside the house, and warm outside. But I don’t plan on going out today, so maybe I’ll dress warmly. I used to take a walk every day at 10:30, but I don’t feel like it today. Lately I haven’t. But I will go get dressed. Sorry that this has just been one long ramble, but that’s the way anxiety and depression affect my mind.