Sometimes I'm just so tired of it all.  Mostly I can deal when I'm sad, depressed,down…however you want to label it.  I can deal and cope and function because I am so used to that feeling.  Then the cycle changes and I spend a week or more irritable and angry.  No reason really.  This is when I'm tired of it all.  I hate this part of it.  The rest  I can so deal with, this part, I'd rather not. 

And really, I won't talk to anyone about it.  I mean, I just get so sick of myself and my "complaints and dissatisfaction".  No, no one has said that to me, it comes from me.  I just get tired of talking about it so I don't talk.  I get quiet and withdrawn and keep it to me.

And really, I think I am truly resentful of me, myself.  I don't like attention, and I don't like thinking of or about me.  I prefer to focus on others.  This stupid depression kind of forces me inward, self-reflection and told it's time to take care of me now.  I think that has done nothing but made me worse.  funny, I got by for 6 or more years not worrying about me but about everyone else, and that served me just fine.  Have me focus on me and well, the shit basically hit the fan.  Now I'm prone to thoughts of self-injury and running away.  Suicide is not really an option…not that I haven't already been down that road…but it's not an option for me because I'm just too damn stubborn (and truth be told, I scared the crap out of myself!)

Have you ever laughed so hard or been laughing so much and so hard it caused you pain?  I don't mean laugh until you cry joy type pain, but pain.  It really is the strangest thing.  One moment laughing, the next running for cover to hide the uncontrollable tears of pain welled up from deep inside.

 It's a shame.  Not too long ago I felt I was finally on a better path, a better track.   I felt that I had maybe found the key and was at least content with life and me, but something happened…I wish I could figure it out…and now I'm just way back at the beginning starting all over again.  Sucks really and I know it's only to get worse because fall is coming.  Ugh! That's a huge trigger for me and has been for over 10 years.  

 Ah well, ramble complete for now.  Sorry, not much sense in it, but at least I've run myself blank…

1 Comment
  1. jekyllnhyde 14 years ago

    meme- funny, I remember using an analogy quite like yours at one time, but I really like the huge rock part.  I think that's what I'll do.  Sit and take a rest.  : )

    thumper3- fall for me is a mixture of home sickness and when the darkness settles very badly that I feel I won't come out this time.  I moved from the east coast to the midwest/west and I so badly miss the variety of color of the leaves changing.  someday I will make it back there and travel the coast in the fall, but until then… 

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