#nonsensicalnonsense

Ok so I just joined ‘The Tribe’. *Waves frantically*

Hello to anyone out there reading this, although I doubt anyone will. I’ll be honest I don’t know what to say, how to say it, what to do, or if there’s even any point to any of this. I suppose the way forward is to share my story? isn’t that what we’re supposed to do here? One thing I want to stress though before I even begin, everything here or that I ever write is from MY OWN perspective and experiences only. I am not implying, insinuating, applying everything to mean ALL people, ALL doctors, ALL therapists etc etc, as I know that is not the case. I KNOW there are MANY great people in the world, AMAZING doctors, therapists, etc. So please no one be offended and think I mean it to apply to everyone. I only mean it to apply to the people I have personally encountered in my life and the experiences I’ve had with them. (I just know that sometimes how I word things they can be taken the wrong way, but I no longer have the ability to structure things properly anymore, due to problems I have with my brain, which I won’t go into too much here. I have good and bad days with it, so sometimes things will come across better than at other times when I’m struggling more with it, it changes daily, even hourly). Anyhoo……

So I don’t know where to begin, there just seems to be SO much, TOO much, it’s so incredibly overwhelming. I don’t know where to start, the beginning? that was 46 years ago when I was aged 4 years old. That’s when it started, but that’s way too far back to go, ok the beginning of adolescence then? My biggest fear, as usual, is I know anything I say will be taken in a certain way and misunderstood because I struggle to articulate myself properly and to find the right words sometimes (due to severe cognitive dysfunction caused by an illness I have) even before I struggled with cognitive issues I was always taken the wrong way,  my whole life I’ve been taken the wrong way and misunderstood, which is part of the reason things got so broken for me, so messed up and twisted and led me to just trying to survive my hellish existence.

I don’t know why I’ve always had trouble in this way, I just know it’s caused so much damage to me and my life. I’m not a bad person, yes I have many many faults, but I am compassionate, understanding, supportive of others, especially people I love. What is it about me that has meant I’m not worthy of the same in return? I’ve always been everyone elses ‘ROCK’ fixed all their problems, always been the one everyone leans on and comes to when they need help or a problem fixing, I actually gave up so much of my own life, dreams, and goals to help others and make sure they were ok first, but when I eventually broke, got ill, and needed a bit of support in return? where was everyone? vanished, gone, not a soul in sight. Just me on my own trying to battle and fight to survive.

So you try and go down the ‘professional’ route for support. HA what a joke! No one ever really listens, they say they will and want to, but you can see once you start to open up and share, their eyes glaze over, they yawn or look at their watch. They patronise you. They ASSUME everything, without ever letting you finish what you were saying, if only they would have stayed quiet until you reached the end of your sentence, maybe they wouldn’t have to make any assumptions? because they would KNOW exactly what you meant. But nope, they don’t do that, time is money, you only have 10 minutes to explain to this new doctor, or therapist or whoever, what the problem is. 10 minutes. I couldn’t even get warmed up enough to introduce myself properly in 10 minutes never mind start any kind of meaningful open honest dialogue. So yeah the ‘professional’ route for me just never worked, because the people sitting opposite me didn’t care what I had to say or how I felt, they cared about not running overtime, or about meeting targets etc. I was never a person to them, just a number, NEXT.

Why do people ask ‘how are you?’ when they don’t actually mean ‘how are you?’ they mean = well it’s the right thing to say upon greeting someone and what I expect as a response is ‘yeah I’m fine thanks’ or ‘yeah I’m good’ or ‘oh you know it could be worse’ that’s the correct response that’s what’s wanted when people ask how are you? they don’t actually care or want to know how you REALLY are, because that would inconvenience them, or bore them, or depress them. You are someone elses problem, they don’t want to get entangled up in your messy car crash life. So the polite fake smile and bs ‘how are you?’ has become the way it works. I’m not ok with that, I’ve never been ok with that but that makes me weird apparently.

I think it’s partly because no one wants to be the reason to bring someone else down either or to put a downer on someones day, a lot of people out there DO care, don’t get me wrong, I DO KNOW that, but most of the time they just don’t know what to do or say, so we have all got so used to doing the bs ‘lip service’, ‘how are you? yeah, fine thanks’, when none of us are actually fine and a lot of us feel like we’re dying inside.

See I told you I have no idea what I’m doing or what to say or how to be or anything here. It will all be nonsensical ramblings of things inside my head. It will be all jumbled, no real flow or structure to it, jumping from one random thing to another, because that’s how haphazard my brain is now (since I’ve been ill and my brain ‘broke’) I can’t communicate how I used to, I can’t even write a blog post that makes sense. I miss being able to do that, I was very capable of many things once upon a time, very articulate, fairly intelligent, could have discussions on most topics, had vasts amounts of knowledge on a lot of things and could hold my own in most circles. Not bragging here just trying to say how different things are now and why anything I ever write here, will be a complete jumbled mess. There are reasons for that is my point. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter. Well it matters to ME because I KNOW who I used to be and what my capabilities were, compared to who I am now. So yes it matters very much to me as I’m a shadow of my former self, I grieve daily for the person I used to be you see, I mean properly seriously grieve with a broken heart and miss the person I’ve lost. The person I am now? pffttt a complete waste of space and air.

I’m just lost, broken, damaged beyond repair, and trying to find one single living human being in the world that can relate, I don’t want sympathy, I NEVER did, in fact, I HATE that. The pitying and the ‘aww yeah that sucks’, ‘yeah I understand’. I don’t want any of that because it’s not real. But just someone, anyone, to say I hear you, I REALLY HEAR YOU and although I can’t understand, I can relate to some of what you’re going through. Or for them to share what THEY are going through, even if I can’t understand either, I think just sharing our struggles with each other is more than enough and DOES actually benefit us all in some way.

That in itself would make us feel less alone and it’s honest, it’s real, it’s not the bs pitying, sympathy, fake crap that seems to have become the norm. I sound bitter and angry I know, I’m not though, not in the slightest, the tone in text can and often is also misunderstood most of the time, especially mine. As I write this I’m actually very calm (or as calm as is possible for me to ever be lol) I’m calm and just rambling on sharing thoughts and feelings, of which I have too many. Letting them all spill out, because they’ve been locked up inside of me for so very long, so long that they’ve become toxic and dangerous, so I have to find a way to get them out, even if it’s here, even if no one ever reads this, I hope just getting this poison OUT of me is going to help me to heal a little. Verbal diarrhea they call it don’t they? Yeah I always have more than my share of that.

Maybe thats what I can do here, use this as an outlet to get everything out of my head, almost like writing a diary or a journal, which has been recommended to me for years but I just couldn’t ever be consistent enough with it, I get distracted easily and bored and I’m so lazy. One of my biggest faults is being the worlds no.1 procrastinator, again it’s something I hate about myself but try as I might, I can’t seem to change that and I have actively put in a lot of effort to change that honestly, it just never seems to ‘take’ you know?

So maybe this safe space on the web can be a place I come to just get everything put down in some format to get it out and see if that helps me? nothing else has worked and I just turned 50 years old. 46 years of abuse, neglect, trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety etc etc, and nothing I’ve ever tried has helped long-term.

Even just completely giving up on trying to get any kind of help because of how much I’ve been failed by so-called  ‘professionals’ hasn’t helped either (obviously), so something has to give, even the smallest thing, anything, something has to change before it’s too late for me, and that time creeps closer and closer by the day, I can feel it encroaching upon me, so I have to try something, so here I am. Doing this. Which might be the saviour of me, or it might end up being another completely pointless endeavour, we shall see.

Love and peace to all of you fellow troubled, ignored, broken people, you really are NOT alone, but that doesn’t help either does it? Just knowing more people are suffering the same or similar way I am doesn’t help one bit, so why do people say it? ‘you’re not alone’. I know it’s because they want to try and help, comfort or relate to you, but I WANT to be alone with this, it actually hurts me to think ANYONE out there feels ANY of what I do on a daily basis, or goes through the sheer torture of my pathetic existence. I don’t want ANYONE to ever feel that, it sucks and it is literally the very worst thing I can imagine happening to anyone. If you are going through it too? I’m so so sorry, I hate that you are and I wish you weren’t. Ok well enough for one day, I’m going to go and try to continue breathing some more for as long as possible. Until next time, my fellow warriors.

Over and out xx

Dolour <3

#mentalhealthawareness #livingwithmentalillness #mentalillness #depression #anxiety #ptsd #severetrauma #broken #cognitivedysfunction #socialanxiety #undiagnosedconditions #possibleautism #possibleaspergers #bipolar #mecfs #fibro #alone #tryingtosurvive #imtryingtolive #insidemyhead #myramblings #nonsensicalnonsense