Hubby and I are still together. He wouldn\'t let me leave. I think my trying to leave caused him to have an epiphany.

Why is it that when you have a panic attack people automatically assume your on drugs or that yourcompletely off your rocker?

Saturday morning I had a panic attack, (yet again seems I\'m up to 3 or 4 a week now). I called mymomandended up in the ER because of it. A side from the usual questions I was also asked if I was lying about being on drugs. It just frustrated me even more. Then while one nurse was talking to me, another came in. He begain to push me, asking me what I was afraid of, why I was doing this, and so on. I snapped. I had already been having trouble talking, he just made it worse, I could barely anwser.

The converstation when something likethis: N=nurse (really snippy attitude), M=me

N=Where does your chest hurt? M=To theleft mainly (showed where it hurt, to the left of my sternum) N=Thats the center notthe left. M=Its to the left.

N=What is usally done when you get like this. M=If it is bad enough that I end up here the doctor usually gives me something to sedate me or calm me down, depending on the doctor. Others tell me that basically your just crazy, go home. N=Well what do you want us to do? Tell you your crazy or sedate you? M=(starting to stutter) I dont\' know, I just want it to stop.

N=What caused this? M=I dont\' know. I was at home, took my meds, started getting antsy and it just kept getting wose. N=Well something had to have caused it. What are you (emphasis on the word you) so scared of. M=(crying at this point) I don\'t know, I really don\'t know.

N=(in a very demading voice) WHAT are you so scared of ? M=I don\'t know, I don\'t know, I don\'t know.

I basically shut down at that point.Alone with my thoughts with no one to save me. I felt like a zombie. Crying but devoid of any emotion. The only things I could feel was the pain and the tears running donw my cheeks.I remember Mom saying something but it never registered. I\'m not sure of how much later, the doctor came in and begain questioning me. I can\'t even remember what all he said and asked. He left, then next thing I know the nice nurse came back in withsome kind of pills and had me take them. It took a while but they helped. I remember them telling me to follow up with my doc since my meds aren\'t cutting it.

This morning I had an med follow up with my psych. Instead of listening when I told her that the paxil isn\'t helping with the anxiety, but it seems to help some with the depression, she raised the dose. She also pulled me off the clonazepam and wants me to start taking bentitine or somthing like that, three times aday, along with xanax when I have an attack.

I know I should give the new med thing a chance. But at the same time I don\'t want to. Not only because I hate taking new meds. But because it seems no matter what is tried nothing helps.

I am so tired of playing the medication merry-go-round. I don\'t know if I should try another psych or what. The anxiety is getting worse. I can\'t drive by myself any longer. I ended up quiting my job because of it. I\'m scared of being alone. Sometimes I get to the point that I just want to die, not kill myself, but just die.

…getting very tired of this. Bleh.