Hi my name is Melissa.. Im not new here to the Tribe , I actually forgot my user name & password & after several attempts to sign in , I just said the heck with it & made a new account .. Its been forever since I have blogged here on the Tribe , the last year 1/2 has been quite rough for my husband & I at the end of March 2014 my husband's grandmother passed away at the age of 80 , ( Betty) his grandmother was very much his mother figure , she had raised him since he was just 15 years old , loosing her absolutely broke his heart .. Then in November of 2014 my aunt Ruth my mother's middle sister passed away at the age of 71 , after suffering for 6 months with extreme vomitting , her passing was a major blow to my family & absolutely broke my mother's heart & my aunt Jane's heart .. Now all that is left of my intermediate family is my mother & my Aunt Jane , the rest of my family are cousins . Loosing two people whom I loved dearly was incredibly hard , I was very close to aunt Ruth growing up & loosing her so suddenly , even tho she was so sick for so long was a major blow to my family , simply because my family is close .. Of course with all of this loss , comes emotional anxiety , on top of that my husband is Bipolar , ADHD & OCD so that makes our relationship very challanging , which in turn does tend to trigger my anxiety . Its definately not easy to live with someone who is Bipolar , especially when they are manic , when my husband is manic he can be very selfish , negative & down right mean . Its this main reason why I have chosen not to have any more children , I have a 13 1/2 year son from a previous relationship whom I gave up for adoption ( not by choice) 5 1/2 years ago . I went through a nasty custody battle DSS was involved , I jumped through every hoop they through at me & my partner but in the end nothing was enough & I got screwed by the system . The adoption is closed so there for I get no contact with my son , no updates & no photoes .. To say the least mother's day is extremely difficult for me , since its the anniversary of my grandmother's death , then three weeks later is my son's birthday , then the day after that is the anniversary of the day I gave him up . With in the last 7 monts my emotional anxiety has gotten so bad I have gone on medication , my family Dr. put me on Topamax she first started me out on 25 Mg , then I gradually moved up to 50 Mg & now I'm up to 75 Mg . The medication is doing wonders for anxiety & I have lost weight , I have gone from 179lbs down 155 , I went from a 48 inch waist to a 38 inch waist , the medication has also helped with cravings & emotional eating , which was due to my emotional anxiety .. Another big thing that has helped with my anxiety is Vaping , I have never been a cigerate smoker thank god but Vaping has really helped me cutt down my sweet craving & help my anxiety , plus I believe it has played a role N my weight loss .. Now as far as mychoice of not having any more children , that has not been an easy choice to come by , but after looking at my list of pros & conns , I come away with more pros than conns .. My main reason is that my husband is Bipolar & we have a 60 % chance of our child being Bipolar , its already hard enough to have a spouse with disease but then to raise a child with this disease would be even harder . Then there is dealing with DSS I know as soon as the baby is born DSS would be on my door & they would be tracking my every move , all because of what happened with my son , not to mention the fact that my husband has a long lengthy crimal past & past drug history so DSS would automatically deem my husband & I unfit parents & they would harass us until we gave our baby up . I just can not go through that again , I can't loose another child .. Then there is the fact that my mother is almost 70 & has cronic health issues , then there finances , kids are expensive , it takes all of my disability check & all my husband's check just to keep our house running , put gas N the cars, feed our selves, pay bills every month & feed our Jack Russell whom practically is our child . Finallymy one & only son will be 14 N may , then after that I will have 4 more years util he is 18 & I can then legally look for him , the last thing I would want is for him to come look for me & me to have had another child & him think I replaced him & don't give a damn about him .. when the truth is I have way too much love & respect for him , that is why I won't have another child , I want to rebuild that relationship with him one day , hopefully when the time is right & praying that he even wants anything to do with me . Its not an easy thing to be a birth mother