I cut again today. I'm so truley depressed, nothing matters anymore. I'm trying to hold on. But the last strength I have is just to simply breath. I woke up today hating myself, and what i've become. I've always been a storm. My childhood is gone. My whole life ahead of me is foggy. I looked at pictures today of those that give me hope. I tried bringing a smile to my face, but nothing. Not even the ones I breath for can help me. I'm afraid of what i'm going to end up. I'm on a landslide. And I keep going down. I try and be positive, and think "It's only up from here." But, I get lower and lower. Deeper and deeper, into this void. This black void. I'm getting older, but nothings changing…I went to the doctor. I'm starting up one on one counseling next thursday…We'll see how that goes…..I want my dad. I'm losing him, he will come back. In a dream, he promised me he would. But, where is he? Why hasn't he come back to his baby girl? I'm going to just live in a dream the rest of my life. He's not dead. He's just on another long work trip….a very long trip. He will be back. I'm going to deny his death. Deny his funeral. Deny his grave. I tried smelling his hat today, and his pillow….To try and pretend he was with me….But his smell is gone. I can't even remember his voice. His face is going away….I don't want the last memory of him to be in a casket. I don't know what I did wrong to have this pain. What did I do? I need change. Dye my hair pink. Wear different brands of clothing. Change myself. Maybe I can hide in my shell and I can be a totally different person…Can't take much more. Somethings have to change.