My life just seems to be counter-productive and ridiculous right now. I must be the stupidest person in the world. I am going to the gym to get in shape, yet I'm still over-eating and drinking almost every night. I can't stop. I don't want to go to a program. I just want to stop feeling sad and lonely and anxious. Those are the things that are making me eat and drink. I want to see results on my body, I want to lose weight, but I don't think I will. Not the way I eat. AndI can't ever go back to being aenorexic. I think even if I TRIED I could not because I am so addicted to food now.

Now, my anxiety and depression are very real things. They are not just me moping about because I can't get back into shape or get K to fall in love with me. Yesterday I had a panic attack at the grocery store. I hadn't had one in a long time which is a good. I mean not one in public. I have at least one a week at home. Anyway, what happened was I just felt crowded and kids were screaming and I was sooo stressed over my financial situation… I was looking at each food item trying to see if first of all can I afford to buy this? And second of all, can I eat it? Everything has fucking too much salt or fat, or calories. The only things I can eat are carrots and I'm sick of them already.

So that was really annoying me and the noise in the store so I asked Mom for her keys so I could wait in the car after I checked out. I checked out, was able to pay for my soup and chipsand of course my RUM.

I went out to the car and when I tried to get in the alarm went off. I was a mess. I started to panic and sob, people were looking at me. I had to put the groceries on the back seat and go back into the store looking for Mom. I called her on her cell phone and I was crying, the alarm won't stop. We got to the car and it stopped and she told me just to wait in the car and eat my chips and CALM DOWN.

I felt sooo bad and so pathetic and sad because I HATE having fucking panick attacks in fucking public like some g-d— retard. I want to be in control and have some fucking dignity, for Ch— Sake!!

So when I got home, I opened the rum and drank half of the bottle. Then I pigged out on soup and got sick. I feel exhausted today and I have to go to the gym. I half wish I could just throw up all the time and be bullemic because then I could be thin again. I won't do that tho, it's painful and the throwing up is from drinking anyway…

All I can think of now is I can't get through these Holidays. Food, alcohol everywhere anyway HA. I would rather just be a fat drunk pig then go to AA. Fuck it and fuck them. I mean no offense to anyone it's helped, but that kind of thing is just not for me. I hate the Holidays sooo much, I will just have to suffer thru them like every year. I just don't know how I'm going to get in shape this way. I don't think I can. And just trying on all those dresses I bought was enough to make me want to KILL myself. I look soo gross. What happened to my cute, thin petite little body?!! I know I ruined it on top of being middle aged its gone for good. I wish I were gone for good too.