Confused in a calm state which I am not use to. Fear of the depths creeping up on me scares me for the fear of "normal". Everyone always say there is a calm before the storm and I'm anxious for what ifs. Life has been less stressful but there is so much pain and sorrow hiding deep inside and for once in my life I dont feel like it is written on my face.
Here I am! Confused on whats is happening, maybe the medication is finally working or I am finally at peace with my past and what happened to me and what I did to myself. But when I sit down and think I still feel it but I can cope without hurting myself pyshically or mental or drinking down a bottle(sometimes). I feel loved and feeling that there is hope. I am so nervous I have been here before and have fallen far below where I started. Am I on the path of taking my two steps forward or did I take the steps and a branch is going to fling me flying three or four steps back? The joy of control even for a moment is amazing but can this last? Life is ever changing and it sends me spiraling back into the abis and I am standing at the top looking down at the evil arms grabing and pulling me deep into the tunnel of loss.
It is the fear that controls me, even more then I think I control myself! Every choice is a choice I can make but is it the right one, and choices are so hard for me. I never want to choose anything just incase something doesnt work out and I feel depressed about how unreliable I am and how everything I do goes wrong or brings pain.
Maybe I am in the calm for now but I can see in myself that I wont let it last because of the fear in my heart.