I close my eyes and the world goes blank. I can feel myself slipping into a place I dont want to go. In my dreams, I can feel the nothing. I feel it creeping up my spine from my toes to my eyes. My eyes flutter like they want to open but they wont. I am already there.
I am the nothing in my dreams. All the disgust and hatred I have for who I am just percolates into the dream state. I am nothing items. I fear this sleep. I just want to be something. I want to stop picking at all the little things. I want all the little things to stop picking at me.
When I wake up I know what happened. I know where I was and how I came back. The fear woke me up but also contained me. I feel the tears welling up behind my blank eyes. I feel the tingle in your nose when you know you cant hold back. I cant. I never can. I give in. I fear my sleep but I hate being awake. What does that leave me with? O yes, what I know I am, Nothing.
I face the day. I face the nothing but with heavy, blank eyes. Anyone can see it in my eyes. That melancholy stare that only someone who lives the nothing in the day and sleeps with it at night can have. The nothing consumes my thoughts. I think about it every tiny moment that I have in my miniscule day. I dont want to think about it anymore. I want the nothing to stop. Please tell me how to make it stop.