A: girl bumped into me at key food

C: I have to wash my Hands AND I have to wash the wagon and my hands again or else we are all fucked!

D: I can’t control everything here. It’s okay to set limits

E: wash hands once

What I did: I failed

A: have to weigh bananas

C: I let them touch what everyone else touched and how I’m bringing covid germs home!!

D: I can’t control everything here. Contamination isn’t usually object to object

E: wash hands when you get home

What I did: asked for a ton of assurance.

A: I said to Natasha—I’m still worried about you

And this is there for you always

But I’m also trying to keep my worry to reasonable levels and trust that you are an adult who can make decisions for herself.

But it makes me sad that i feel safe and you feel stressed. So If there’s anything more I can do, materially or socially or anything, I want you to know that I’m SO down.

I had meant to say—I hope you didn’t feel my language and expression was too controlling of you.

B: what if she takes this as a sign that she’s making the right decision??! Rather that she SHOULD get out? What if I should be insisting??

What if she’s still going to die??

D: you didn’t say you approved. You just said you’re trying to accept she is capable of her own decision. You also said twice that the money is still on the table. you don’t have the power to sway her one way or the other.

E: try to give it a night. Calm down a bit. Nothing you say (exact wording) is going to break the situation. Talk to Emma tomorrow about it, not coming from a space of, you ruined everything. But from a space of, should you say or do more.

Feelings: fear, terror. Fear, terror. Fear, terror. Sadness. Love love love gratitude to our service workers and to my parents and to my friends and to those who’ve shared their stories. Love for all the people of this city who are working so hard. Gratitude for hard things bringing values into focus. Love love love love love love love.

Visualization: I manage to get through the evening without asking for assurance