I woke up today and i feel good, I got a call from my friend and i told him how id felt yesterday and i know he was truly sorry, he told me to get rid of it if and he would never ask me to do something like that again, it was obvious to me that he didnt think of what he was asking me at the time either.
I just finished reading yet another book, it was so sad… i dont know why i always read books like that-really sad, desperate true stories but i think its because im trying to get something from them, some inspiration to keep on going, a insight into how other people deal with things , how they overcome some of the most terrible of things that they have been subjected too…
I know addiction is a disease and it can happen to anyone but i constantley find myself wondering how this happened to me,how i let myself slip into addiction of one of the worst most destroying drugs on the planet. The only answer i can come up with for this is that i was in a very bad place in my life, id just lost a baby,a few people close to me and around me died and looking back i wasnt coping well at all. I felt so hard done by because of my childhood and how i was treated and i think i felt very alone, I hated any kind of authority, anyone telling me what to do and i sought comfort in men who werent good for me-i always just wanted to feel loved yet if i did it was always short lived or mostley never at all. Ultimatley i know it was my own decision to take heroin in the first place and i can only blame my self for doing that, it was my decision and i did it, but still i wonder if things could have been different for me… i wonder where i would be now and what i would be doing had i never taken it that first time. Those are things i will never know but then i think to myself that maybe this was supposed to happen to me, it was part of a master plan or something cos i wouldnt be the person i am now and i wouldnt be trying to do the things i am doing if this hadnt happened to me. I dont even know if that makes sense but anyway even though i can say i hate heroin, i hate addiction and i hate what iv done in the past , if i had it to do over again i probably would take the same road even though its caused me&other people so much pain and misery. I could have just as easially become an alcoholic or depndant on some other drug cos at the time when i first took heroin i was heavily using plenty of other drugs for years.Almost every day I did coke, drank, took tablets like benzos and every weekend or from thursday to monday i would be out partying not sleeping for the whole weekend so if i kept going like that it seems to be obvious or logical that i would have found my self in some other form of addicion to another drug.
I asked for strenght to be a good , happy, positive & strong person today and i feel confident that i will be.. I woke today and stared out the window into the garden for a long time just watching little birds jump from tree to tree feeding,looking for a place to nest, i felt so peaceful as i was watching them. Life is so simple and yet so complicated at the same time but i found myself seeing the constrast between the two and things and how they are also much the same, wheather your a person , a bird or a dog- all have feelings and have to fight and strive to live sometimes and thats just the way things are. As iv heard people telling me so many times life is a journey not a destination and i think im beginnig to see and believe that.