After moving across the world for him and putting all my dreams on hold, starting a family and being away from the place i grew up in for 5yrs my husband sent me and my twins 2yr olds on a plane back too Jersey. He gave us two days to pack. The last few weeks I was there he was hardly home. Said he was working late, came home from work showered and went back out again without telling me who he was with, when he\'d be home and what he was doing. His cell kept ringing and he was texting more. I think he was fooling around on me but he wont admit it. Of course he won\'t. I tried to offer counceling and everything but he was done. I will admit part of me is happy its over. I couldnt sit there and watch myself become my mother (who stayed in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 15yrs). He would constantly call me names, put me down, mock me and just plain make me feel even more worthless then I already thought I was. I was suffering from depression and anxiety which  I have been going through since I was about 15 maybe younger I think.. I can\'t remember the last time I felt like myself. I don\'t even know who i really am anymore actually. I am now living with my in laws who constantly hold the fact I am living with them over my head (indirectly of course) and who under mind me when it comes to my kids. I am trying to get a place of my own and trying to get divorce papers going. Also trying to get a job and take care of my kids at the same time. I have to get to a doctor and get back on my meds b/c sometimes I just sit here and cry. I don\'t know why but part of me misses my soon to be ex husband and it kills me everytime they ask for daddy. Whenever he calls he starts on me and causes me to have an anxiety attack so bad that even my anxiety meds can\'t take the edge off. My panic attacks have gotten worse and more frequent too b.c I am in new situations more often and have people coming at me at all angles. It is hard to really tell it all in a blog but sometimes I just wanna scream,cry, curl into a ball and hide all at the same time. It is hard to even get outta bed sometimes but I have to for my little ones. I just can\'t wait to have a job and my own place. I think then it might be easier to manage my anxiety and depression.. I feel like I am running backwards right now tho..


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