I feel I annoyed people with my last blog entry…If I did…I'm sorry, I was venting, And I suck at expressing my thoughts…So, Maybe I shouldn't blog anymore?

Not sure…Today is already driving me insane, I feel weak and shaky. I'm just so worn out physically and mentally, and being here in the hospital just isn't helping. I've been here for about a month now, Wouldn't anyone be annoyed by that?

I might be able to leave this weekend…Maybe. But anyway back to today, Pain is really bad today, and the pain meds are making me feel alittle…off if you know what I mean, and to top t off my Aunt and Uncle are here today, so my social anxiety is taking over.

They are pretty nice people, but religious (once again, Nothing against that, I'm religious as well.) But they're older and MORE religious if you know what I mean.

So even if they don't say anything I feel judged, and that i'm just trash and an embarrassment to my family. I can't make normal movement when I'm here or be my horrible 'self'. I have to watch my every move and try to get inside of others peoples head to try and find out what their thoughts about me are.

I know what your going to say, I can't focus on what other people think of me. But I just can't stop that! I have the urge to make myself vomit again right now even though there's nothing left in my stomach….

And…To be honest last night I couldn't resist my urge, And I ended up grabbing a razor that was in the bathroom and I cut on my thighs (so no stupid nurse or doctor will see them)

I just…can't resist when I have an urge whether it's for self-harm, or my habits for social anxiety…It's an annoying cycle you know? and mentally i'm so unstable and just totally wiped out.

But…Anyway I gotta go, These annoying child life people are trying to get me out of my room and help me with my physical therapy (since i've been here so long my body has gotten weaker and I started falling a bit)

Nice huh? Ugh….

So I'll let you know how the rest of my day goes later…Maybe…To be honest I'm not sure if i'm going to keep blogging, Because I feel like whenever I post I'm just whining and I don't want to piss anyone on this site off…I'm not worth the effort.

So…I'll think about it I guess? Anyway, See ya later I guess.

1 Comment
  1. Mo 10 years ago

    I hope you keep blogging because it can help you, as said below- get the feelings out. I care about you and your blogs and do read them. I dont find them annoying at all. I appreciate your honesty and really feel for what you are going thru. I wish you the best.

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