Yes, this is my second blog today ~ but the first one was about my Uncle. This one is about me and what I'm going through currently.
I haven't gone out yet ~ I took a nap from 10-12 p.m. to try to make up for awakening at 3 this morning. My little man is so good about dealing with my constant tiredness. I can't believe in just 2 days he'll be 7 years old. That's so hard to fathom…it seems like yesterday he was still a baby. I'm not ready for him to grow up, but I guess that doesn't matter. Time marches on regardless.
I'm so anxious today and sad. I haven't left the house today yet, and I may not do it. I'm still living in pj's when possible. My husband actually asked me yesterday if I was going back to work when Zachary went back to school for 2nd semester ~ I looked at him like I was looney. I feel like I'm unraveling and the slightest tug will undo me completely. Maybe going back 1-2 days a week would help me because it would get me out of the house, but I also know that when I'm depressed and anxious like this I end up worse off than before if I try to work while I'm still bad off. I have to get ahold of my doctor and try to have him fix this with a med change or something. I'm more anxious now than I've ever been ( well, before the last month anyhow) and I think it's the new medications. I don't know if Abilify or Cogentin can cause this kind of anxiety, but something is because I wasn't that way before I started taking them.
My therapist is trying to teach me ways to ease anxiety. I don't want to ease it ~ I want it GONE! I know she's no miracle worker so it's not her fault by any means that I'm going through this, but something is just not right. I've had anxiety issues most of my life, but never prolonged constant anxiety.
Then there's the depression. I can't feel anything but anxiety and sadness. This too has been going on for awhile and it started about a week after I started taking the new meds. I haven't had a good day since. Some days I'm more capable of functioning than others, but usually it takes coercing to take care of myself; nevermind the business of doing my hair and putting on make-up. I am trying to shower every day, but sometimes I forget or other times it's just too much work. I forget to eat, or I catch myself eating sweets and carbs. No wonder why this is a "weight positive" drug (Abilify); it makes you crave sweets and pasta, bread and other carbohydrates. I'm going to stop buying snack foods for the household so that I'm not tempted to eat things I shouldn't.
Right now I feel detached from reality somewhat. I can look at things and see them, but I feel like if I reached out to touch something it wouldn't be real. Idon't know how else to explain it. It's like I'm living in a bubble whereI can see everything but not touch, smell ortasteanything because I can't reach outside of the bubble. Maybe I should go walk around the yard barefoot to remind me that it's just an aspect of the anxiety and depression, a trick my mind is playing on me. Besides, I usually like feeling the earth underneath mynaked feet ~ that's how I grew up; running around barefoot through a plant nursery. Those aresome of my happiestmemories.
Does anyone have any ideas they could share with me abouthow they deal with anxiety? Do you have any tricks that you do that help keepyou from pulling your hair out in clumps? Right now my mind is telling me I need to cut, but I refuse to give in to that urge. I'm so frightened right now about how I'm feeling and I don't have another therapy session for 2 anda1/2 more weeks…