Yes, this is my second blog today ~ but the first one was about my Uncle. This one is about me and what I'm going through currently.

I haven't gone out yet ~ I took a nap from 10-12 p.m. to try to make up for awakening at 3 this morning. My little man is so good about dealing with my constant tiredness. I can't believe in just 2 days he'll be 7 years old. That's so hard to fathom…it seems like yesterday he was still a baby. I'm not ready for him to grow up, but I guess that doesn't matter. Time marches on regardless.

I'm so anxious today and sad. I haven't left the house today yet, and I may not do it. I'm still living in pj's when possible. My husband actually asked me yesterday if I was going back to work when Zachary went back to school for 2nd semester ~ I looked at him like I was looney. I feel like I'm unraveling and the slightest tug will undo me completely. Maybe going back 1-2 days a week would help me because it would get me out of the house, but I also know that when I'm depressed and anxious like this I end up worse off than before if I try to work while I'm still bad off. I have to get ahold of my doctor and try to have him fix this with a med change or something. I'm more anxious now than I've ever been ( well, before the last month anyhow) and I think it's the new medications. I don't know if Abilify or Cogentin can cause this kind of anxiety, but something is because I wasn't that way before I started taking them.

My therapist is trying to teach me ways to ease anxiety. I don't want to ease it ~ I want it GONE! I know she's no miracle worker so it's not her fault by any means that I'm going through this, but something is just not right. I've had anxiety issues most of my life, but never prolonged constant anxiety.

Then there's the depression. I can't feel anything but anxiety and sadness. This too has been going on for awhile and it started about a week after I started taking the new meds. I haven't had a good day since. Some days I'm more capable of functioning than others, but usually it takes coercing to take care of myself; nevermind the business of doing my hair and putting on make-up. I am trying to shower every day, but sometimes I forget or other times it's just too much work. I forget to eat, or I catch myself eating sweets and carbs. No wonder why this is a "weight positive" drug (Abilify); it makes you crave sweets and pasta, bread and other carbohydrates. I'm going to stop buying snack foods for the household so that I'm not tempted to eat things I shouldn't.

Right now I feel detached from reality somewhat. I can look at things and see them, but I feel like if I reached out to touch something it wouldn't be real. Idon't know how else to explain it. It's like I'm living in a bubble whereI can see everything but not touch, smell ortasteanything because I can't reach outside of the bubble. Maybe I should go walk around the yard barefoot to remind me that it's just an aspect of the anxiety and depression, a trick my mind is playing on me. Besides, I usually like feeling the earth underneath mynaked feet ~ that's how I grew up; running around barefoot through a plant nursery. Those aresome of my happiestmemories.

Does anyone have any ideas they could share with me abouthow they deal with anxiety? Do you have any tricks that you do that help keepyou from pulling your hair out in clumps? Right now my mind is telling me I need to cut, but I refuse to give in to that urge. I'm so frightened right now about how I'm feeling and I don't have another therapy session for 2 anda1/2 more weeks…

1 Comment
  1. naomijane 9 years ago

    hi, i can totally relate to this blog!! walking in the yard barefoot sounds like a brilliant idea! you will feel the sensations in your feet and you are most defenately real. that really inspired me – thank you.  i often feel 'unreal' so i cut myself, its not something i would reccomend.! your doing really well to resist that urge. – i know its frikin tough! but you've proven you can do it!   

    i've recently been put on sleeping medication, it basically knocks me out. i was in such a bad pattern before! and night times we my worste point of the day. i dont know how to feel about it tbh, i wasn't keen on taking the tablets because i knew my mum would have to be involved in my perscription. because of my overdose history. 

    im counting down the days till my next therapy session aswell! 5 days…seems like 5 years tho. personally i would suggest writing everything down, i don't know much about you, but i see in the way that you right that you are creative, so maybe try some poetry? or scribble a drawing, be fierce with emotion on the canvas. you can burn it or shred it after if i wish, but i show my therapist my artwork – she finds it intrigueing! she's a very creative person herself. you can make it as detailed or simple as u want, i tend to lean towards detail because of the way my mind works, i over analise everything so i try to express that. 

    i really hope this helps in some way. take care

    here if you want to talk, always!

    Naomi xx 

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