I’m searching for Jesus. I can’t find Him anywhere, it seems, and I’m always chasing after whatever it is that last made me feel good. Like writing this blog. Last night it felt really good to write. Tonight it doesn’t feel very good but I’m doing it anyway because it makes me feel like I get to experience that same feeling again. I don’t know what to do to make Jesus come to me. In the past, all I had to do was just think about Him, and He would be there. But nowadays, I can’t feel His presence anywhere. And the ugliness of the world out there seems to only exacerbate the problem. It doesn’t look bright and beautiful out there anymore, it doesn’t look like my Father’s world.

I need Jesus, that much I know is true. What do you do when you can’t find the very thing you so desperately need? If only I could go back in time. I know exactly what I would do. No, I’m not going to tell you. It’s a very private thing. Just know this- I would give anything to be able to go back and do it. My suffering would cease immediately if I could go back in time and redo it. It’s endlessly frustrating that I can’t. My entire life would change in an instant. I am so miserable right now, I would give anything to be able to fix it. It would start with being able to talk with Jesus again. I used to be so close to him. But now I feel further and further away from him, and can only feel the all-encompassing fear that goes with it. I found my miraculous medal today. I’m still wearing it. If only it would work a miracle for me, so that I could find Jesus.

I haven’t felt the presence of God in fourteen years. That’s a really long time. And it’s worse now than ever before. It doesn’t make sense that the day after I rededicate my life to Christ, I would have the worst psychotic episode of my life. But that’s precisely what happened. I would give anything to be able to feel the presence of God again. One of my close friends, the one who was there with me when this all began, has stopped believing in God and no longer goes to church. It’s frustrating, because I want to talk to her about all this, but now I can’t. It breaks my heart that she no longer has faith.

I know exactly why I’m dealing with my mental health issues. It’s because of that one thing that I did which I wish I could go back and fix. If I had done things differently, none of this would be happening. The problem is, no one believes me. My friend, the one who was there with me when it happened, doesn’t believe me. She seems to think that my mental health would have gone south regardless. Not true. I can trace it exactly to that time. I know without a doubt that I would be fine today if it weren’t for that. It is so, so frustrating because I can’t do a darn thing about it. I’m not going to give up the search for Jesus though. I’m going to find Him if it kills me.