In the last year of moving to care for my father, moving again back in July. I'm still finding my space here. Most importantly is to get back with a new doctor which will be in a couple of weeks. Part of it, too, is I just found out there is a thyroid condition on top of the depression. One thing at a time. Just tired and also the isolation is something that has always been a part of who I am. I have to keep an eye on it. Like a dog that may get into the left over pizza, whose nose inchesin closer..
Being creative, and artistic, though many who work on 'stage' are not on stage in their off stage life. Many great performers I worked with over the years have that ugly monster of depression, anxiety etc. Which can drive us to create. The balance is always keeping a check on yourself. Through lots of holistic, nature healing, yoga, reikii, prayer, etc. As well, as the combination of the medication. (which i have always noticed a difference for myself). The art has been a saving grace. I do my best to focus on the beauty of it, and create that fragrance of something gentle, beautiful. I have to. Yes, I've done the darker works, here and there. but that only was a manifestion and acceptance to stay in that space if you are not watchful. It's a 'etheric' aggreement, handshake, if you will. You create it, it will only become a greater reality.
So, I chose to find those spaces of freedom, movement of something lovely that can come from the tough battle of over a good 20 years. But, the residue of depression doesn't just let up because of an accolade or 'success'. It does, but temporary. The artists and performers I've admired and been able to work with, they too, have those struggles and we just intricately find something to weave through it, weave into a physical thing .. on canvas, or a stage.
I'm grateful to be married to a man who has been unbelieveably supportive, big time. Not that we haven't had our share of hells and complications. He gets the artist side of me, and also is completely understanding of the complexity of depression.
I have been asked a couple times to show my work here. Since leaving Las Vegas, (ha).. I miss the energy of the big city. I have shown once, but I'm very particular of the energy and intention of art and it's showing. Like any 'event' there is the typical bullshit. It never ceases, no matter how seasoned you are as an artist, or performer. You just learn to evade it and do your thing, smile, shake hands and go. My work is my saving grace. Like children. Not doing it so much for another.. but when you find the union between yourself and what you created. It's cyclic. And that is the core to it. Something healing and beautiful. I didn't feel this way in my 20s. Mostly, as always, it's the ego driven. Well, ego is always there. But, a shift comes through over time.
Loss, value, authentic acceptance. Which is why DTribe is a lovely place to be. So, yes..I agreed to show at this little space my friend owns in April. Have these other paintings to get done by March for a client.
Though my body is hurting and tired, even after yoga..and until I can get to the doctor. It's that looming exhaustion that can bring me to tears. Not even sure if this made any sense. I had to write it out and possibly rambling.
On a lighter note. I'm totally loving the polls. They are fun and a bit addictive! ha. And hoping to breathe life into the Group Drawing 101. For anyone who wants to draw, doodle, etc!