I am trying to figure which direction I want to take my life. While balancing that juggling act I feel like I am everyone's go to guy at the age of 22. My mother is schizophrenic and bi polar and because of this was unable to raise me. My grandparents raised me and have since passed on. My mother has no one to depend onwith the exception of me, so I am constantly having to make sure her life is satisfactory, which is fine, anyone would do that for their mother. Any extendedfamily I do have will have nothing to do with me, besidesmy mother and a select few,because I am gay. I have been with my partner for three years, and over time have learned he has severe adhd. Which of course is hard to manage. I love him undoubtabley, and he happens to be very intellegent,but then again sometimes I feel like a parent more than a partner. I also have afriend of 15 years living in the home because he could not find a job in the small town he was living in. So he works at walmart and lives in my home and contributes very little.

As far as me, I am a licensed cosmetologist. That is the only schooling I have completed besides k-12. I have attempted college, and have done well, but then bouts of depression creep up and I end up no longer even showing up. It seems like I will go for 2 months on cloud nine ready to take on the world and then all of the sudden depression will hit me and take me to task. I have been in the process the last two months of trying to open up a franchise salon. Things are dragging on in negiotating and finding a location with corperate. I am not sure if it will even happen at this point, and if it does not I do not even know were to proceed from there.

I am the sole provider for my family right now, luckily I have been left an inheritence, although I am trying to make something of myself, obviously that money will not be there forever. It is a constant fight daily. I have so many people depending on me, and sometimes I just do not know if I have what it takes to provide for them. I am scared, and I have failed so many times. I feel like depression at times makes me useless. I have never attempted medication and was wondering what others thought of it. Does it actually help in your experience? My philosophy in the past four years is that I can overcome it myself, and move forward. Although I am getting to the point that I do not know if I can move forward alone anymore. I am tired, scared, and wish I could end it, but then I am left with the thought of what would my family do without me. So that is not an option. My only motivation at this point is to provide for the ones I love. Just seeking help, I have no one to talk to, no one to lean on. I hate speaking this way because there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. I have a home, food, warmth. For those things I am eternally grateful.


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