Well here it is Friday night 12:28 AM NYC Time….I've had a very trying day with my thoughts/and so much crying. I am feeling pretty weary & very tired at the moment. I'm not sleep just so so tired. My older sis is having a family dinner on Sunday for my niece who is in from Texas for a week with her baby….She had the baby in Feb. of this year. None of the family has seen our new baby neice so it's a time for meeting her for the 1st time. I told my sister I'd play it by ear & see how I was feeling on Sunday. I'm not sure I really want to make the trip out there to NJ it's about a 2 hour trip for me on public transportation (I don't drive & never have) there and back home so 4 hrs total 🙁 I dread having to pretend I'm feeling great…when I truly feel horrible. I dread all the food my sis & her husband make. I have some food issues. I dread all the questions of how I'm doing, what am I doing, how are my computer classes going or how did it go for me (since tonight was the last class), I dread being told what useful skills they are to have, as I don't feel I can work at this time, but hope to soon. When the family is talking about there jobs & all my nieces are talking about school (Most are in College or have already graduated) I feel so left out, I feel like a nothing, I feel like a bum, this all makes me feel horrible about myself!! I feel like I've accomplished nothing in my life….I'm 48 soon to be 49 and have nothing!! My son in Germany had a birthday on 10/20 and I couldn't even send him a small gift of any sort….All I could send was a empty birthday card. My daughter & youngest son both have birthdays in January….and I am already thinking I won't be able to send them a little something either. This makes me so sad and makes my heart ache. I was thinking today how badly I just want to die!! I feel as though the world would be better off without me….I contribute nothing! I started my new medication about 5 days ago and am so worried & afraid it won't help me. I'm not sure how long before I know….so far I feel the same except for feeling more tired as the medication does have a sedating side effect. Well I'm crying to much to finish my bouncing thoughts. Until next time….bye for now!