Well here it is Friday night 12:28 AM NYC Time….I've had a very trying day with my thoughts/and so much crying. I am feeling pretty weary & very tired at the moment. I'm not sleep just so so tired. My older sis is having a family dinner on Sunday for my niece who is in from Texas for a week with her baby….She had the baby in Feb. of this year. None of the family has seen our new baby neice so it's a time for meeting her for the 1st time. I told my sister I'd play it by ear & see how I was feeling on Sunday. I'm not sure I really want to make the trip out there to NJ it's about a 2 hour trip for me on public transportation (I don't drive & never have) there and back home so 4 hrs total 🙁 I dread having to pretend I'm feeling great…when I truly feel horrible. I dread all the food my sis & her husband make. I have some food issues. I dread all the questions of how I'm doing, what am I doing, how are my computer classes going or how did it go for me (since tonight was the last class), I dread being told what useful skills they are to have, as I don't feel I can work at this time, but hope to soon. When the family is talking about there jobs & all my nieces are talking about school (Most are in College or have already graduated) I feel so left out, I feel like a nothing, I feel like a bum, this all makes me feel horrible about myself!! I feel like I've accomplished nothing in my life….I'm 48 soon to be 49 and have nothing!! My son in Germany had a birthday on 10/20 and I couldn't even send him a small gift of any sort….All I could send was a empty birthday card. My daughter & youngest son both have birthdays in January….and I am already thinking I won't be able to send them a little something either. This makes me so sad and makes my heart ache. I was thinking today how badly I just want to die!! I feel as though the world would be better off without me….I contribute nothing! I started my new medication about 5 days ago and am so worried & afraid it won't help me. I'm not sure how long before I know….so far I feel the same except for feeling more tired as the medication does have a sedating side effect. Well I'm crying to much to finish my bouncing thoughts. Until next time….bye for now!

  1. megankoncir 10 years ago

    dont ever think you don't contribute anything! despite of what you may think, some kids don't even receive a happy birthday at all from their parents, i'm sure your son greatly appreciated it, people are all different in so many ways, the fact that i hear you are on medication may give others on this site incentive to even see a doctor, your doing a great job 🙂 keep your head up!

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  2. zallie 10 years ago

     Hi megankoncir,

    I really appreciate your comments! It made me cry, because I felt like at least someone believes I contribute to this world. I sure hope I can give at least on person on this site to seek a Dr & get on meds if needed.

    Again thanks for reading & replying Take~Care!



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