Well , I am slowly pulling myself out of the muck and mire of the depressive episode . I'm still really struggling with the fatigue , but other than that I seem to be better . I'm still pretty quiet too and want isolation , but I fight it . I went to work today and had some pretty rough customers , one in particular . At first I got really upset by the way he was treating me , but then I stopped , made myself take a good look at him ( an elderly man who was miserable ) and realized that it really is true ~ if you don't let their anger become something you take personally and understand it comes from something unhappy in their own perceptions , it doesn't really affect you . Truly I realized that I felt awful for him , alone and miserable , angry at the world and his situation , and then realizing he was dealing with the beginnings of dementia and serious memory loss . I actually wanted to hug this poor angry man to show him that there was still good in the world around him , but I didn't think that my managers would have been happy about it , so I let the urge pass . The next time he comes in I'm going to make a point to be so sweet and pleasant that maybe I'll get a smile out of him . That's my goal with him.
So my weekend consisted of going to an airshow on the beach onSaturday ~ and since it was raining and overcast we took the umbrellas and left the sunscreen in thecar. It eventually stopped raining and it was overcast and nice , and then the airshow started and I was busy watching my son play in the surf and didn't realize that the sun had come out completely . When I went to the restroom at one point I looked in the mirror and realized I was in TROUBLE . I burn so easily since I'm so fair-skinned and normally blonde , and already I was a discomforting shade of red . I went back out to the beach and told my husband that we needed to leave really soon because of sunburn . He actually got mad at me and accused me of being selfish ! I got really angry right back and said to him , " Really?! You're going to let us all get sun poisoning because you want to watch jets fly for 2-3 more hours?! I don't think so !! " . Luckily I had enough sense to make my son wear his shirt in the water so he didn't get to sunburned , just a little bit on his face ~ but me ? I look like a boiled lobster . I've been living on cold showers, aloe vera gel with Lidocaine in it to kill the sting for awhile , and tylenol . It's only been 2 days and already my face is peeling and still very red ; which means I'm going to peel again most likely. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
Sadly the weekend was a little rough . Aaron was unhappy and still very short-tempered and nasty with us . At one point our son even started getting upset and yelled at us to stop fighting and arguing , that he didn't want to deal with it anymore . To be completely honest , neither did I . Everything I said was taken as a personal attack , a criticism or a reason to start an argument . Even deciding on where to go to lunch on Sunday became a monumental argument because he specifically wanted sushi and it turned out that the restaurant was closed . So I tried to help by suggesting going 20minutes north to go to another good sushi bar , but they were closed too . So I asked him if there were any other places that he might be interested in , and in response I got a sulky ,"No". I choose to try to ignore it while I went shopping fora pair of work pants , and then he got nasty again and said, " I'm NOT stayinghere much longer … you've got 5 minutes before I walk out " . And then to add insult to injury , he demanded to know where we were going to eat and when I said I wanted his input on deciding where else he might like to go , he told me that I " better figure it out before we leave the store or we're just going home ". Nice , huh ? Grow up! Stop acting like a 6-7 year old who's throwing a pouting tantrum because he can't have EXACTLY what he wants . So , I finally made a decision based on things we all liked , and of course ~ it wasn't good enough . Whatever .
I already have 1 child to raise and do my best with ~ I am NOT raising a 32 year old man who should have grown up quite awhile ago . And to be honest , I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to put up with this . I've about had it . I'm changing into a more positive and spiritually motivated person , and he's going the opposite direction . I can't handle the intense negativity , pessimism , sarcasm and resentment he harbors . We are going to be having some intense conversations over the next 2 weeks or more about what's happening here ; with him , with me , with our respect issues , our familial problems and the root causes of his unhappiness and how we can at least try to make them more bearable . I can't ( and won't ) fix his life for him ; he has to learn about changing hisperspectives, especially regarding things outside of our control . And there are a LOT of those things . There comes a time when you just have to accept it and move pastit .
I feel badbecause I sound really negative about my husband right now . But this is the only place I feelsafe to talk about it .I know that nobody's perfect , especially notme ~ I say dumb andprovocatingthings too sometimes when I'm tired or grouchy . I also have the tendency to be very direct and confrontational when someone , ( specifically my husband ) ,behaves selfishlyor cruel and thoughtlessly in their words or actions . NO ONE hurts my child! Unlessthere's a necessity for punishment ~ and even then it needs to be dealt with firmness , calmness , and then discussion about the offending behavior that got him in trouble .
I'm done preaching on my soapbox tonight . Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as we fight to try to workthings out .
I also send my love and hopes that you are well and having a decent or even great day . 🙂 We all deserve themsometime. With love and hugs to you all ~ Key