I don't like that I can't type in an "other" mood…so my current mood is "distracted." I'm trying to take the last of my online exams for this bs Nutrition class that my degree, for some reason, requires. Nutrition is important, I understand, but like most things in my life, I can recognize the need for vegetables in my diet but don't give a damn enough to chop/peel/cook/season them…it seems like a lot of work.
I am curently in the midst of a falling-out with several friends in my life, and rather than point blame I'd rather just assume that it's part of the circle of life. I have had three female best friends since I was 13, and we have our ins and outs, but ultimately we always assumed it would be like those 4 New Yorkers in that one TV show, brunching weekly for life while commiserating about all the unfairness of life. I caught a minute of the Sex and the City movie on TV just now before switching to Pandora, and I felt very sad when I realized that I'm probably not going to have these girls around in my 40s to console me when tragedy strikes. We all have our own, very different stations in life–then again, don't the SATC chicks? (Ok, they all have one thing in common: they're not real people. Do real people dress like that or make that kind of money writing newspaper articles? No. But I'm assuming that we all have acknowledged the extravagant liberties which have been taken with this particular series, and focus on their longwithstanding friendship for a moment here).
But back to my friends. Or soon to be ex-friends, whatever. We are all in very different places in our lives right now and it seems harder and harder to find any common ground. Where some of us like culture and the arts, some of us prefer shopping and drinks, some of us would rather stay in and watch movies, and some of us are more into traveling and adventures. My position is that I enjoy all of these things, but the general consensus is hard to reach. You should hear us try to order pizza. It boggles the mind that four people can't agree on two pizza's worth of toppings. But again, I always seem to be the one who doesn't care, I'm far more easy going than the rest of them.
However, I'm also a lot more busy than the rest of them. They have all graduated college (two with Masters' degrees), work full time, and I'm burning the candle at both ends in that respect. I am the only one with a long-term live-in boyfriend, and because I care about my boyfriend and our future together I am going to be honest and say that I put our partnership before a lot of things.
So, the cause of this recent realization, is that I sent out a facebook message to the 3 girls as well as a couple other of our circle of friends, suggesting we have a Christmas party and Christmas Cookie exchange, since the one thing we all DO have in common is that we like to eat. This was two weeks ago and not a single of the 7 people addressed has responded to me. Now I could just be paranoid, but I feel like they have all conversed amongst themselves to jointly ignore my message. Additionally, two of them have ignored "hey how's it going, long time no see" texts from me. I don't know what to make of all this and frankly, I have more pressing things I should be worrying about. So there, maybe that's the problem. I've put all my other priorities ahead of my friends.
In Sex and the City, they always get into little rifts and such, but of course, they always work it out. Is this because they aren't real? Maybe. Is it because they know how to communicate, acknowledge their shortcomings and–gasp–apologize when they've been "see you next Tuesdays?" I would rather think so. And how is it that in 13 years of friendship, none of my girlfriends or myself can muster up the humility to apologize or ask if we've done something wrong?
Probably the most challenging aspect of this friendship is that, all three of these girls are sisters. Aha! A twist…meaning that they all share DNA that I do not, they are bound to one another mentally in such a way that they likely all agree on, and bloviate on the topic of my a-holeness (if that is what the problem seems to be). I have dealt with this before, and in my typical, passive-aggressive fashion, let it go. I have caught them all talking behind my back but I assumed they were doing it beacuse they loved me, or something. I have made some concessions with them: I know that we cannot travel together, and I know that we cannot live together because I lived with two of them for a very lengthy and tumultuous year. That, in itself, could very well have been the catalyst for the polarization of our friendships.
There are other factors I haven't thought of, I'm sure. I guess it's not fair to say I am the "busiest" of us all, but I can't help but notice that as thinly stretched as I can be, I always have to be the one to make plans or go out of my way to their place which is a half hour's drive on a good day.
I tend to notice when things aren't 50/50 in life, and strive for fairness in nearly everything I do. Friendship is never 50/50, but when it's 80/20 and the person doing the 80% of the work has enough on their damn plate already, can we make it a point to agree that something isn't right?
So I have this festering in my mind, wondering if I should even put them on my Christmas list this year, thinking maybe time has run its course and it's time to make new friends…actually, screw that. I don't even want new friends. I have my family, my boyfriend, and my dog…I am thankul enough for that. If these girls weren't meant to be there in my old age than I guess this is the end?
Onto the next topic of this blog. I had to drive to the bank earlier, to make a quick deposit. A car began to tailgate me when I was in the right lane because I had to make a right turn, so I was naturally traveling "slowly" also known as five over. This Honda Civic beeyatch tailed me, honking ferociously, and I was like seroiusly, go ahead, so I slowed to a 30 mph crawl before putting my blinker on. I don't get how people can be so self-centered that they think that wherever they're going is so much more important than anyone else. Or, how about, try getting in one of the other 4 lanes which were totally empty. I hate inconsiderate drivers, and I hate even more the way I feel like I'm targeted by angry drivers. This isn't a rare occurence for me. Maybe it's because I have an Obama 2012 sticker on my bumper, and some people really seem to hate the guy. Whatever, that's my constitutional right…go ahead and break the law by driving unsafely because you have a problem with me exercising my constitutinal freedoms…
Now I am really beginning to sound paranoid. Everyone hates me and they're all out to get me! Well, I feel a little more focused now getting it all of my chest, at least. I have a lot more on my mind, in time, maybe the burdens will be relieved upon this blog, but until then…it's time to go back to the daily recommended intakes of protein for a 5-year-old.