i went to my tudor england prof’s office hours today to talk about my grades and getting an a in the class. tudor england, im a history major, thats my thing, i read books on it all the time, im very interested in that time. i talk a lot in class. i have opinions and im one of the few people that raises their hand or asks questions. i like my professor he’s like forty and he’s got a lot of dry humor. sometimes after class he finds me outside and bums ciggs off me and we talk about history and politics. i like talking to him.

because he knows that im very well versed with tudor england, he grades me harder, which is my fault for not just shutting up and pretending that i know nothing so he’d go easy on me….anyway, he graded my midterm…he had higher standards for me and i got a b-. All my other grades aka my term paper and the paper due next week are high a’s…but with the midterm the most i could get is an a- which for some stupid reason brings down my gpa. i dont think its fair, but i wanted to talk with him to see if he would take another look at the exam or let me do extra work….aka an extra paper. we talked for a while about random stuff when i got there, then when i brought up the midterm he would not budge…because he is looking for something more specific from me, and i dont think anything would have been good enough for him with my first submitted item…happening to be the midterm.

he’s letting me write a short paper to help…i guess…get an a…that’s what i told him, ill do the work i have to in order to get an a….then…i dont know if i should feel weird about this maybe i am crazy. he said to turn it in to him next thursday and we would go have lunch…not at like one of the school dining places…like to an actual restaurant. i dont usually talk to my teachers, or older men for that matter..and it makes me feel uncomfortable but i can’t says no….because….then maybe he wont take my paper….but getting lunch w him for some reason feels innappropriate and i dont want to be upset thurs because i feel like i…..i dont know…that im being taken advantage of. it would really upset me if something like that happened. i like the student teacher relationship where there is…separation.

i guess i should be happy he’s being nice enough to give me extra work, and i am, but, the idea of something bad happening upsets me. ive never had lunch with a TEACHER.

alone in my apartment. kinda sad. partly, mostly because im alone. saw two of my "friends" at macdonalds. am i crazy or did things seem weird? were they not friendly with me? i just feel very left out sometimes living basically by myself here, because they all live with each other(they left me out of housing) and i live alone. they spend all their time together, and they dont realize how lonely i get, and i just want someone to think about me, care about me.

one of them, janet said she would text me if they did anything, but…i dont think they will even though i would love to go over there and just be with PEOPLE.

Neil walked back from logic with me today. have not hooked up/ walked back with him for a few weeks and got fidgety and asked to study for the final with me. said he would text me. makes me feel sad because neil just underlines how easy it is to be with me, ask me out, be close to me, and the guy i like is a heartless bastard. which is my fault, because i know this, ive never wanted to yell at a guy before, ive never really been mad at a guy before, even when i got cheated on….but he makes me so angry, and i guess its anger at myself, because he says he likes me and wants something with me, he knows i want a relationship but he…part of his heart is just cold to everything and if he’s not around campus, then he’s not asking to be around me. which means he doesnt like me. i know. im just stupid.

example. he asked me to get lunch with him on campus, i had a paper to submit…he’s been asking for a few days about my meal plan, because i always hoard stuff till the  end then have to many points and passes. offered to get dinner on campus at 6 since could not go at lunch….he said…..this is embarrasing, dont laugh at me, "i dont know what i’ll be doing then". came over later that night at like 8 but he had a meeting on campus too, my apt is on the way. its like, "oh i dont know jenna i need to leave my calendar open in case something important comes up". im so stupid. i want to….i dont know, i want to make this go away..