I hate the "your mood" section because it doesn't always seem to encompass all that I'm feeling. I'm so very tired, but I'm so many other things too.

I don't want to sleep. I don't want tomorrow to come and have to repeat the same thing as I did today. I'm tired of looking for hope when there really is nothing to look foward to. I'm tired of trying to connect to people when it only goes to a superfacial level. I'm tired of writing something really good and meaningful and the next part of it being crap. I'm tired of expect too much out of myself. I'm tired of never giving myself a break when I need. I'm tired of living this f*cking life of mine. Self-pity only goes so far…

I have so much in me. I stifle it. I can express myself and learn to express myself, but it never makes a difference. Once the high is gone, I want to disappear. I don't want to exist. I wouldn't dare kill myself. I'm not the least bit suicidial.

But I'm tired of being told I'm making the choice of staying home rather than putting myself out there. People don't understand sad to any extent when they say that. To go out and sit in a restaurant by myself. If I could do that, I would be ecstatic. I would love to do so many things by myself. But I don't know how without extreme anxiety and paranoia.

What am I doing? Why can't I just go to sleep? Why do I need any kind of validation anymore? I know I don't need it from anyone except myself. But guess what, I do like myself! But what I felt before is still true. Even if you like yourself, people won't accept you, at least the majority won't. I'm still too different. So I try to find ways to coexist with this world. I think I'm coming across as self-centered bitch right now, but I'm so tired I just need to get stuff out.

I let so much out, but I censor it too much. I want people to see me for who I really am, but I don't want to be desperate and anxious for it. I just want to be happy with me.

1 Comment
  1. Ritualnet 15 years ago

    The "mood" section doesn't have a "low" or "depressed" or even "want to put my wrists in a meat grinder". Bah.

    Getting out there is pretty damn scary. I want to watch films in the cinema. That's it! Just films. I want to see Golden Compass, Beowulf, Enchanted… and whatever else is on. But i can't go alone, and instead i sit at home, and rot. :/


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