In the third grade I had this teacher. She was new so I was one of the poor unsuspecting children who had to play part in the experiment. This was also the first time I ever had an "episode." I didn't know it then, but apparently it was some kind of anxiety or panic attack.

I remember getting that sick feeling in my stomach, like I needed to throw up. I was never good at throwing up, even with stomach viruses. I just don't. But that's besides the point. I asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom to throw up because I felt sick. I'm sure this was after a few times of my "feeling sick." She told me I could go throw up after I finished my school work. You can imagine what I'd call her now if she'd say that to me.

Long story short, I didn't want to be at that school. I wanted to be home. And it turned into a big fiasco: my mother finding out that the teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom or call home and then the teacher slamming the door in my mother's face when she came to the school to talk to her.

I got switched to another class shortly after that. But still…I missed a week of school, the new teacher, the one I got switched to, agreed to let my mother keep me out for a week to "recover."

Anyway, aftera few weeks the anxiety or whatever it was went away. But every year from then on I had an "episode" at the beginning of school where I'd freak out and never want to go back. But I'd get over it. In the sixth grade I didn't get over it and from then on I was homeschooled.

That time in third grade was the first time I felt the things that I've been feeling non stop for months. Whether it has anything to do with what I'm going through now, I don't know. Hope all that up there made some sense because I'm rambling through my fingers.


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