Last night something happened that upset me, but I was busy talking to someone else and enjoying myself, so I didn’t really think about it properly.  Then this morning I woke up and it suddenly hit me: my friend Matt told me his boss is being a jerk about time off and refusing to give him holiday time to go to my wedding.[br][br]Matt and I have been friends 19 years now.  Same with my friend Tara and me. Tara, who was having such money problems I have no idea if she’ll be able to make it, despite being invited as Maid of Honour.  Tara whose son is now 5 and I still haven’t met him, despite all the presents I send him because I love him without knowing him at all, like he’s my surrogate nephew.  So the guest list right now…stands at 7 guests on my side (3 family, 4 friends) and about half the world on George’s side.[br][br]The thing that’s really getting me is that my soon-to-be mother-in-law (whom it should be noted I’ve always got along with, really) has done the politics thing and asked us to invite like everyone in her family, her aunts and uncles, etc., which was fine when I thought I had anyone coming myself…but now it’s suddenly turned out just as I never wanted my wedding to be – I won’t even know 1/3 of the guests.  I mean I really have no idea who these people are.  And anyone who’s known me longer than five years (barring my parents) won’t be there.  This isn’t at all what I wanted.[br][br]I KNOW it will be a lovely day, I KNOW it’s the marriage that counts most.  But I also know it was my idea in the beginning to elope, but George didn’t want that, and I agreed with his views, and it’ll be wonderful, I know all this.  But still. The imbalance of guests is really crushing me. Not to mention I’ve hit that point where I just don’t care anymore about planning it, I just want it done with, I want someone else to do the rest for me, I’m not a party planner, please someone take this task from me! I’ve lost the will for it. I’ve got a busy enough life as it is.  I work two jobs and I have like zero time to myself and every time I DO take a break I just feel guilty at all the time I ‘wasted’ when I could have been doing something productive I’ve been meaning to do for a while.[br][br]Like, I just don’t know how to explain why I feel like dying every time I think of having to organise a mini-bus to drive everyone from the ceremony to the reception.  It just sounds so pathetic and melodramatic, but seriously I can’t do this anymore.  And it’s a month from today and I feel like I did when I last moved house – 90% is all packed and ready to go, and the last 10% just sits in disarray with me sitting on the side feeling worn out and thinking, ‘Where the hell do I put all this stuff?’ and the urge is there just to throw it all away and pretend it didn’t exist, for the sake of ease…except I know I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I gave in to that.[br][br]Please please please please Tara be able to come.  I just can’t do this without you….