after a full on week of happily helping my friend by taking her into town to the doctors and then again a few days later to get her a new laptop and sort some other stuff i fell into a bit of a funk – it was tiring enough without hearing all about what a fool i was when i came back – so i took a long, hot bath to combat the onset of the blues but still they came

i am sad and mad and bad and have been in bed for the last two days only going outside to tend to the animals twice a day (a process which begins and ends in floods of tears in the foetal position)

i know i am very fortunate – i have food, water, shelter and an adult child who loves me – yet i also have a hole in my heart and a cruel voice in my head and a body that does not seem to belong to me

why must i be either up or down – why can't i just feel even, balanced, at peace?

i am aware that it is not ME that is wrong but that i have an illness (several Dx – the latest being schizophrenia) that make me feel this way – yet still i feel hopeless, worthless and out of control for about two or three weeks out of every four

i take my medication as prescribed (minus the inderal which is in carer's hands due to attempted overdose last easter)

i see a psychiatrist at my insistence approx every six months for a medication review which is the only thing available on the public health system and last time came out with a new diagnosis but no change to medication ??? and the advice to contact my childhood abuser for the money to pursue private treatment ???

i see a psychologist when i can, at a minimum monthly, again at my insistence as available on public health

i research suicide methods, compose letters of explanation, apology and farewell to my daughter

i cry, rage, wallow in self pity and self harm

i post to DT when i can get online

thanks for reading