I feel like I fall further and further everyday. The same pointless shit day in and day out. My life has become some meaningless repetitive blur and I feel so trapped. I've been at my dead end depressing job for three years this October and I've barely been promoted. They had to settle for promoting me because they couldnt find anyone better. I guess I've had this coming to me after all these years of being selfish and thinking I could have everything I wanted reguardless of who I break or tread over. I don't know. I have all these desires and feelings and wants but I don't know what's real or what's wrong or right to want. I don't even feel like I can have any of it being who I am. I'm not who I want to be or who I thought I'd be. I'm a shell. I almost long for the loss of loved ones just I could feel something real. Some good old irreplaceable pain. Loss I have grown accustomed to, and life is something I don't feel like I was meant for. I thought I had finally tamed myself and calmed down. But now I find myself feeling more and more desire for what I don't have and being uncertain of what I do have. Knowing I will never have what is the dream and ultimate desire I don't know if I could live a life that is nothing close to what it was meant to be.Or if it was even meant to be. Maybe I'm too pessimistic and it is just drawing all this negative energy towards me or maybe this is what i have had coming to me for all these years of taking advantage of people around me. For lying my life away. Karma might have just decided to take a shit on my life. Who knows. I self medicate and involve my attention in the fantasy world when I can. I even have this running story in my mind about this whole other familh and its been like that since I was a young kid adn they've been with me ever since. I guess that's just how I coped with being so alone all the time. When it was just me and my mom I was alone in my room no other family in my life besides my dad who I still don't really talk to. And I had friends but its not like they could really be tehre all the time or anything. And then I move to feel even more isolated in a house with people I will never belong with.

Fuck I just wish I could stop thinking and feeling for once. Death is becoming more and more appealing the more I think and feel about all thsi life shit. I want things that don't exist in the real world and instead of moving past it, it breaks me. Why live in a world where hardly anything is possible these days. And becoming less and less possible if you ask me. Death is welcomed if it'd just come swiftly enough. I've wasted three years of my life. I coujld've grown the fuck up and stuck with school or anything but i've done nothign and have nothing to show for any of it. I need help, I need a friend. I want a best friend again. but i don't feel like i can ever be real with someone else again without feeling like i need to push them away every other week