I feel scared, I feel scared for no reason, I just feel like something bad is about to happen. I don’t know what. I want to cry, I want to ball up and dissapear. It’s a whole new awful feeling…different then the depression of before. I feel like time is running out and my body surges in full panic mode.
I went into the kitchen and saw my mother. All I could do was try to act normal and hug her. Yesterday coming back from the city I got this feeling, I got anxious, nauseus, I couldn’t concentrate, my heart raced, I was angry at my mother and sister for no reason, I felt like life was about to end, not because I would kill myself, because of something else. She didn’t know why I wouldn’t talk to her and later at home I was thoroughly ashamed of myself for taking things out on her so I told her what I was feeling.
She is so supportive, she is so protective, but soon I’ll have to leave her, soon she won’t be able to protect me. Soon I’ll be old and she shouldn’t have to take care of me. I’m not ready. My life just fell apart and I’m just starting to put it back together. I’m 21, this should be a pinnacle of my life, I shouldn’t be so…scared. It’s such a different feeling. I feel so alone, but in a different way from before.
I go back to college on the 28th. I’ll be a junior. I’ll be alone, separated emotionally and physically from the people who I thought I’d be friends with for a long time. I said I’d stop smoking when I went back to school, which seems kinda ridiculous to heap on that kind of stress on top of everything, but it’s not healthy and I should stop, you never start thinking it will go on forever….however…..in preparation of my giving up smoking, august the month of my birth has become smokefest and I do not feel bad getting a pack right after I finish one instead of waiting a week to space things out. ahh..I think that’s all for now