I've been trying to write a blog for so long now.  I kept starting and stopping, not knowing what to say and how to say it.  When I finally had what I wanted to say, something new came up, and new topic, and once again I was stuck writing nothing.

So, here, no perfecting needed, I'm just going to write and say what I want.  Over the past 2 months I have been going through so many mixed emotions that I hardly even know where I am now emotionally.  My favorite band played their final four shows ever about a month ago.  It was a great experience, and it was sublime at times.  But I found my mind racing to thinking about this other guy, about my girlfriend with him.  My happiest moments were ruined.

Now I find myself in a very serious family issue.  My mom who is sick, just started taking medication for her illness.  We have tried for 10 years to get her to the doctor to get the meds, and finally we were able to do it.  I should be hopeful for her and happy, and I am.  But now I just got news that my Uncle is very ill and dying.  A time to be sad and worried.  With all of these emotions, today I found that the other guy who has sex with my girlfriend is friends with someone who my girlfriend introduced me to as a family friend.  How do they know each other?  Why do they?  Now I am sad, bordering on a panic attack.  My mind is poisoned once again.

I used to say that I didn't want this OCD to change me, that I was fighting to really keep me alive against it, to keep my values and what makes me "me".   I feel like giving up now, everything is so messed up.  I can't feel happy without these thoughts of my girlfriend and this guy together, and I can't feel sad or angry without those thoughts either.

These are very raw emotions right now, and I am not editing this blog.  The only way I can stop from hurting so much with this OCD is to not feel at all.  To tune everything out, to become no one with no feelings.  No filter, no fears, no love, nothing.  Just being.  I really feel like I am not that person who I wanted to be anymore… I'm just here.  I feel so bad and so alone.  Even when I think it's gone it's not.  It's always here.  I can't like, I can't feel, I can't touch, I can't think without these thoughts coming up.  I can't see certain things, I can't go certain places.

 I just want life back.