It's not out of defiance, i just realised it's already 3rd May and i've not done this blog-a-day thing yet so obviously i've missed the boat and i'm not going to do it.  anyway, i don't have anything worth blogging every day.  i mean i've got plenty to say, but i don't always have stuff i personally would even feel like blogging.  so anyway i do feel like it now though so i'm gonna do it. [br][br]

two things on my mind:

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1. my birthday is on wednesday, i'm having a party the following saturday for it, i had this whole idea to have a russian themed party with this russian film i like, called 'viy', and a selection of choice awesome russian music and some tetris and an attempt at russian cooking/cake.  so i invited the two friends of mine in london who are left, because everyone else either moved or went psycho on me and we never spoke again, one of those friends has been doing a law course the last two years and ive just never seen her since and hardly talk to her and she never even replied to my invitation to say no even, and my best friend here, maria, i think she'll be the only one who shows up because then i invited two of george's friends as well because i like one of them and the other well i like him sometimes but in general actually he pisses me off properly like so often, it's a shame, but anyway he couldn't come, which relieved me especially because any time he's been around maria he's acted so oddly toward her and he's odd with me too and really he's odd with women in general and i find him a bit…controlling and sexist actually – so anyway whatever, but then the other one i really like and he can't come for very good and valid reasons, i just found out today, so that's fine, i have no problem with that – what i do have a problem with is this endless feeling that i'm so alone and have no friends.  i mean i DO have friends, many friends in fact, but i mean where are they?  in different countries.  i only have two friends here really, maria and george, who i really speak to regularly, it is upsetting, i feel so dependent on them and like…ugh im sick of it.  i'm sick of it because i was always surrounded by friends in arizona, i was like the centre of our group of friends even, they all told me when i moved that i was the glue that connected everyone, and then i moved here and i'm so glad i did, but socially like…i seem to be fine with gradually getting along with people and making acquaintances but real friends?  where are they?  i've been alone for the last like almost 9 years now, since i moved, and each time i've not been alone, soon the people either move or go insane and then i'm alone again and here i am feeling alone again like wow…my birthday party?  is me and george, and one friend.  i know, some people don't have anyone, but all the same, i feel really upset about this.  especially because i HAVE friends!  they're just not here!  and i'm so fed up with it all!  i just cant even begin to explain and express how fed up i am with this. [br][br]

2. totally unrelated.  my tutoring, my first pupil, he's definitely improving, i'm feeling so proud of myself, he's really happy about it, but i realised last week this guy knows nothing at all about poetry so i got out all these examples of different poetic techniques to show him and discuss and explain, and then i emailed him a huge selection of poems to look over and jot down all different techniques he sees and the meanings of the poems and then he dropped them off today for me to look over before the lesson tomorrow and…well first of all, i said do as many as you can, and seriously he got through like 6 and i am like…you had a week, i didnt even ask you to write anything up, just jot down notes, and this was all you could come up with?  but obviously that shows how hard it was for him – it's just frustrating because i'm feeling like…reading the notes…how do you take someone who is so obstinately literal and superficial (i don't mean shallow, i just literally mean only sees the surface) and make him understand and see metaphors???  because like for instance i had him read this emily bronte poem 'the prisoner' and he's said it's about someone's experience in a prison cell – and i'm like nononononono it's so clearly a metaphor, feeling trapped in herself, being unable to express herself, most likely it's about society suppressing her as a woman.  and i know nothing about emily bronte as a person, i read and loved 'wuthering heights' but i know nothing about her as a person, but i mean come on…and yeah okay it's just SO obvious to me, and i appreciate maybe it's not to everyone – i mean, it clearly isn't, to him.  it's just…it NEEDS to become obvious to him or he won't pass his exam, right? and i'm just feeling like…how how how to make it obvious to him, how to make him just OPEN his mind.  like he had a creative piece to write, too, one week, the question from a past exam paper was 'describe a nightmare world' and i was expecting like some fantasy story, but he came back with a (well-written, yes) description of a time when he got stuck trying to drive home through heavy snow.  nothing wrong with it, it's just…it's very clear to me his brain doesn't think in very abstract ways, and therefore this poetry thing…well it's a challenge, for him and me both.  got to come up with some way to make him see it….