To start with- I've been depressed my entire life. The anxiety started when I was young, maybe 7 or 8, and my Mom was hospitalized for Depression. This was back in the 80s. After that my world turned upside down. I saw my parents as fragile which is very scary for a kid. I started thinking that if a grown-up could fall prey to something, there was little hope for a kid. I started staying home all the time, not wanting to leave for any reason. I missed many family outings during those days just to stay home with a babysitter and watch tv or read books. I also developed stomach aches and frequent diarrhea when I experienced any stress- the first sign of anxietey. My Mom passed away after many hospitilazations for cancer treatment. During the time she was being treated, my depression and anxiety only got worse. Once she died, when I was 12, I couldn't focus. Luckily, my Dad got me a chihuahua who was my best friend for 17 years. That dog helped me out so much. I missed a lot of school in the next few years because I couldn't drag myself out of bed. One year I missed 45 days! When I got to high school, the anxiety was still there and I tried many illicit drugs in order to feel better. It didn't work, needless to say. When I was 15 I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to kill myself. I took a handful of various pills and blacked out for over 3 days. I woke up in the psychaitric hospital. I started seeing a pshchaitrist, the one that treated my mother, and tried some antidepressants. I don;t remember them working very well, but then again I don't remember taking them on a regular basis and I didn't follow up with therapy. I suffered through the rest of high school and entered college. My freshman year I began seeing my doctor again. We tried a variety of medications and the depression abated. I took Effexor from probably 95-2007. It worked ok… but the anxiety was still there. A few years went by without me going to therapy. During this time I got married. When I started having marital problems, I went to see a new doctor and therapist. She changed my medicine to Lexapro, with works just as well for depression. But again, does nothing for anxiety. i quit going to that doctor becaus she always rescheduled appointments and found another one. This was just supposed to be for "upkeep" but the anxiety took a turn for the worse. I was working two jobs plus keeping a house and was just stretched too thin. i began having panic attacks that continue to this day.

I obsess about everything. I have an absolute fear of vomiting. If I get an idea in my head I carry it to the most ludacris exxtreme. For instance, I need to take a class to keep my teaching license, and I ended up worrying to death about it and I ended up applying to phd programs. All when i could have just taken a class. If my nephew does bad in school, I take it upon myself to make sure he does better. He's not even my kid! I just blow things out of proportion.

So that's where I'm coming from.

1 Comment
  1. bluerosie 10 years ago

    Wow, you've had it tough; I'm sorry to hear that.

    No such dramatic past here, but I can definitely relate to the anxiety.

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