My Dad cancelled plans again…he tends to do that alot…but something was different. I went through it in my head wonderinf why it bothered me…I even talked about it but still I couldn't figure it out. Did I finally get fed up with his work? No. Did I really miss him and want to see him? No more than usual. It didn't inconvenience me in any way…there wasn't anything other than the usual to look forward to.

But then it hit me while I was reading a book. He was bothered by it. He was seriously broken up about it.He really cared that he had cancelled dinner twice in one week. He had always said he was sorry and we'd have to do it another time or in two days from now or whatever but this time he sounded sad…dissapointedin himself for letting my brother and I down. I always knew he didn't like doing it and he always said he was sorrybut this time he sounded unbeleivably sincere…not that he wasn't sincere before but he sounded like it this timeLike he knew he was letting us down and he was sorry, he was dissapointed adn knew I was dissapointed and for one of the first times ever he made it clear with his voice. He even called instead of sending a text.

To everyone else this probably seems minor but for me this is huge. After everything that has happened and every cancellation we've had this is one of the few times he sounded…well, regretful. I don't know what it means or if it even means anything at all but thats what was bothering me…I guess bothering me isn't the right word. But that was what was off about the whole situation…that is what is different and thus confusing. But that is what I couldn't figure out. Now it just feels like this should mean something to me but honestly I have no idea what it means, if it means anything at all.

Maybe it just means my dad is returning to the dad he was 5 years ago. Which wouldn't be bad but it makes me wonder what has changed him…Hes been changin like this for a while and I think possibly his girlfriend of almost 5 years may have broken up with him…but if that is true and that is why he is changing back then that would mean he has kept that from me for maybe 3 months now…and thats hard for me to even think about. I half want them to be broken up but I half don't. Because if they are broken up then he hasn't told me…and why not? things like that I'm normally the first to know about…but *sigh*

I don't know. This whole business with my dad is just to complicated and truthfull very depressing. Today has been the closest I'v ecome to crying in the last 2 weeks. Even my horrible time at camp was solved with a single phone call….but this just…bothers me. And I don't know why. And not knowing why really really bothers me. And now I'm rambling soo I suppose I will end this blog here.