It all just feels like an act now.  Like everything is for pretend.

Nothing works.

Everything is in pieces.

And yet this character has continued long after the last page of his story.

Why?

I lost roughly 5 hours of writing.  Not regular writing – Philosophy.  Excrutiatingly painful to write philosophy.  All gone.  Poof.  Because of some retarded glitch in M$.

And I’m so incredibly pissed.  But when I feel that anger pulse through me, I feel it dissapate around my chest.  It’s as if there were an egg inside of me, and growing inside of that egg there was nothing.  I feel this pulse of rage, so incredibly pissed off that my entire day was wasted.  But it touches that, and the darkness drinks it down and into oblivion.

I haven’t felt anything solid in so long.  But that blackness has become something real.  I worry that this might be the end game that is approaching.  I just am so incredibly far gone.

As time passes, it always gets worse.   Yet even when the wounds were fresh it hurt so incredibly much.  I look at it now though, and I know that I will never be able to love someone like I loved her.  I know that if my purpose was to love, that my purpose could never be fully served.  Like someone whose purpose was to run who then lost their legs, I just have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

I miss her.  I hate her.  I love her.  I’ll never forgive her.  I’ll never have her.  I’ll never feel whole again.

I don’t get pets because they stay dead for much longer than they stay alive.  The joy of their company only lasts for so long, but then their deaths just sort of build-up and weigh down.  My relationships have followed the same path.  There is no happy ending, and I feel dead inside.  I don’t think that it is worth it, and that doesn’t change that the most beautiful thing in the world to me is love.  But that doesn’t change that it isn’t worth it.

And this egg inside of me.  I’m inside of it.  And I’m losing more and more of my feelings.  I’m becoming like one of those creepy people in the movies who never really laughs or smiles.  Except for that I grimmace more and more as I see and understand more and more.

I’m so incredibly tired.  Why does this character still exist when the story ended before it even began?

Is anybody out there?