i just feel like i have no idea what all the feelings inside of me come from. i am happy, i am sad, im lonely, i want to be a lone. it is always back and forth back and forth with everrryyyythiiiiing and either i'm real low or on a real high. im pissed off and then it is like nothing ever even happened. everything is so flip floppy in my mind and i just dont understand why or what is going on. i try really hard to be a certain way. and to look for meaning in everything but i feel as though its left me empty. i spend all this time searching for this and that and contemplating this and that and being so indecisive i feel like i am lost in everything. my mind goes in circles constantly about everything and i just never even..know. i never know. and all the things i always want to say and all the things i feel and all things i know in my head i can never ever put any of it into words that make sense to someone else like it does to me so im left looking like im stupid or something or dont know what im talking about. i wish that i could just explain everything i feel and think. and i wish that i could connect with some one. i really really wish that. more than anything..that is what i want. to connect with someone on a deep level. to connect with someone and actually keep the connection keep the friendship. to have them feel like they can't lose me as a friend. because i really feel like everyone in my life would not really care whether or not im around or not.and it is true because i dont hold on strong enough to the people around me. i push everyone away some how. i make myself beleive that that relationship isnt important. im scared of everything. im scared of losing ANYthing maybe thats why i push everything away. i dont want to feel the feeling of losing something i love and knowing that it is just…gone…like my dogs or my family members..stuff like that. things that in time WILL come to an end and i am just so scared for that. i miss old days i dwell on them just wishing i could go back. i want everything to be a certain way and everything just…is messed up i feel like things will never really be okay again. i dont know what ever happened to me. im ocd and i have horrible anxiety attacks and i cut myself..still..to this day. i have been doing it since like 6th…7th grade and i always thought it'd go away and i am twenty one years old and i still do it. why? i dont get it. i am paranoid about everything. im extremely maticulous about everything. and when things aren't a certain way or done in a certain order i just totally freak out. when i get mad…i get mad. and it insanely rediculous. sometimes i feel like my heart is just going to pop right out of my throat. i am so so unerved by things that are dirty. all part of my ocd..and it is just horrible. sometimes i just feel so hopeless. and then i go into a high like i am just so happy and everything is great and then i go right back to the extreme low that i go to cutting and the other crazy things i do. what ever happened to me to make me like this? i am just so confused. this emptiness i feel this unbarable discontent feeling i get every single day. this sadness. i want it to all go away. i feel so lost. i feel so….everything. i feel everything. my mind and feelings are every where constantly and i just want it all to stop. i really do. why am i like this……

i hope i get some replys to this….and oh yeah.. the song that i am listening to, you should check it out. it is good…


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