My phone keeps turning itself off and on, and in this dark room that is very distracting so I’ll keep this short.

This morning I am very sore. I’ve got blisters on my feet and my hips are very stiff. When I have strong urges to kill myself I go for walks. I normally pick a direction and keep walking until I don’t want to kill myself anymore. Yesterday I walked south for six hours before I finally sat down in a park exhausted. I couldn’t think of anything after that.

So after collapsing in the park for a while and walking back home the outing took up most of my day. Yesterday I was going to skip all my appointments, stop taking my meds, go back to work and pretend like these past two weeks never happened. Today I’m very sore, but I’m going to keep my appointments. I’ve taken the meds, but they aren’t doing anything at all. It’s probably still a week too early to change them, but I really want something to come out of my doctors appointment today.

I can’t keep doing this anymore. Everything I do to distract myself is getting less and less effective. Tomorrow I’m flying back to work and I’m a little concerned about how I’m going to cope. Firstly I need to report in to the EMO and let them know what medication I’m on – that sounds like fun. Secondly I need to rock up and explain to my workmates why I took a week off work when I wasn’t really ‘sick’. My doctors certificate is vague enough (constitutional illness, cause to be investigated), but I don’t know how to get around my workmates. I can’t lie to them outright, and despite it being personal information I know I’m going to cop a lot of shit over it.

The house phone has just rung. It’s probably my sister calling, wondering where I was yesterday. One of my housemates is still at home and she got out of bed to answer the call – she missed it. My sister will most likely try my mobile next, but that’s still switching itself off and on. It only ever connects to the network when you leave it open so it’s unlikely she’ll be able to contact me. But if she tries calling home again then my housemate is going to answer it for sure.

I’m desperate to connect to someone. My sister, my housemate. Anyone. But I only feel good when I push people away.