Not feeling that great right now.
Haven't been having almost any productivity lately. Been sleeping so much. Finally got to my exercise class for the first time in a long time and that made me feel good about myself and gave me more energy.
But I thought I was up for a couple days and then now I'm back down again and I'm just so confused. And then I was feeling like maybe there's nothing actually wrong with me and that I should just snap out of it. And then… tonight I was helping my friend set up her sculpture project to show to her advisors tomorrow and she was like really frustrated and pissed off and stuff. And I felt really bad that I couldn't help her feel better and she said something like "I'm gonna go die now" or whatever. But later I was talking to her and we were both just talking about how frustrated we were and I said something about how I wished the world had just ended in December but she said she didn't really want to be dead. And that's when I remembered that there is so much more to depression than just being a mood that you are in. And also because we were talking about like never wanting to get out of bed in the morning. And her reason is just because she's too comfy. But I've been finding myself almost close to tears when I am just so exhausted at night and when I try to drag myself out of bed in the morning (which has been happening several hours later than I intend).
And I've been very preoccupied with death lately. And I decided what method I want to use when I decide to end it all. And it's not something that I actively want to do right now, just a plan for some time in the future when I decide that it's time. And I'm not too worried because I have so much anxiety that I always need to research everything and so I'm going to have to research my method to learn more about it and how I'm going to do it, and I haven't started to do that yet. And it scares me that I've decided what to do. So those all seem like good signs that I'm not in danger of hurting myself. But it's something that I'm having trouble putting out of my mind. And I just can't concentrate on anything. And I just really want to sleep.
I'm hoping that writing this all down will get it out of my mind and make the thoughts speeding around and around in my head stop. I don't think there's any point in trying to stay up and work though… so I'll just go to sleep or watch TV and hope for a better day tomorrow.