Having no other way of expressing how I feel without being judged and treated as a freak, I just wanted to write this journal entry…

This feeling has been going on for years, Along with self-harming and eating disorders. I've tried to stop before, But I failed and they've only come back with vengeance. I can't tell anyone, Especially not my family. They don't understand and frankly I can't trust them, They are always making jokes about me (whether they mean it or not) without knowing how much more it just pushes me over the edge.

Even after last year when I tried to end my life and ended up in the hospital for god knows how long, They still find it fun to make fun of my music, clothes, personality, you name it. Even my so called friends make fun of certain stereotypes and what I like.

And they have no idea how much it hurts with my already fragile state of mind. They don't know what goes on when I'm alone left to my thoughts and actions, Every night causing more scars not only emotionally but physically.

Then my eating disorders (which i've been able to hide from them..) With bulimia and anorexia, It's gotten so out of hand, I do anything to avoid eating, and when I can't get out of it I feel so disgusting and horrible, I immediately go to shove fingers down my throat and get it out of my system.

School is no help either, Kids constantly going after my weakness's , My social anxiety and as well as the many missed school days from having different illness's such as stomach ulcers and Diabetes. I'm just the school's freak, I get panic attacks (I find myself sometimes abusing my own medicine's just to get a 'far away' feeling..) just walking from class to class, I'm scared to do anything that might make me stand out to the others students and get bullied even more.

There's so much on my mind, So much that's just chaining me down further and further to my gave, I can't even write all of my thoughts down in one journal entry. I try ignoring it by listening to music or drawing/writing but it's not enough, I'm consumed by these thoughts and feelings, No shrink or pills are going to fix this.

Like I said I just wrote this to get it off my chest alittle…I'm not sure what good it will do but…Is there anyone else out there feeling like this? No one around me feels like this or can even start to understand that I'm drowning, There's SO much on my mind I wanto go get out, even writing this i can't say it all in one blog, I'm so…UGH…I feel like I'm just an insane freak…

A/N- This isn't really foucsing on one thing..This was just to vent/rant about what I was feeling yesterday. My next blog will focus on my social anxiety or the self-harming you know the rest…I just needed to vent in this…

4 Comments
  1. jhall_artist 9 years ago

    I know how you feel you\'re not alone.. I have severe anxiety and have panic attacks almost everyday. I sometimes feel like distracting myself with music, art, friends, etc is just a cover up. Sometimes those things help but overall I just feel anxious and incredibly unhappy. I feel like I have no purpose. Sometimes I just think, whats the point? Life is so much more difficult for me than it is for other people. But, aside from all that, I just keep telling myself that it will get better. Its hard to convince myself of that sometimes but I dont have any other options.

    We just have to keep moving forward. As hard as it is sometimes, we just have to keep pushing, keep trying. Theres no other option. Gotta keep living.

    Anyways im just writing this to tell you that you are not alone. I hope you can find some happiness in your life. Try talking to your family about how they make you feel. And dont worry aboit your classmates. Sounds like you are in highschool and believe me you wont see 90% of those people once you graduate. Just focus on your own happiness.

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  2. soullessbvblover 9 years ago

    @jhall_artist – Thanks for the comment, It means alot. and yes I\'m in my second year of highschool. I\'ve tried talking to my family about how they make me feel but it never turns out well..

    And I know living is the only opition at this point…To be honest I tried commiting suicide only just a few months ago, and ever since then I\'ve only felt shitter then I did before, And it only makes people stear away from me or pity me, I hate it :\\

    Anyway, Thanks for the advice it does mean alot to me, Since not alot of people take time out of their day to do this for someone like me.

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  3. FMA71 9 years ago

    Have you ever heard the saying \” How other people feel about you is none of your business\” ? Sounds to me like you are letting everyone elses thoughts become yours. Dont!! It takes a while to grasp the concept of not internalizing everything, but everyday you have to put this into your routine. Mind over matter. Your mind does matter

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  4. soullessbvblover 9 years ago

    @FMA71- I\'ve heard of it…But my mind has been wired after so much that\'s happened to make sure I don\'t do anything to fuck up to be judged by others, I\'m always trying to figure out what people are thinking when they see me..I know I can\'t but it just happens..I\'m literaly terrified by people..

    But, I try to keep what you said in mind…Thank you.

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