I wanted to write this morning, but didn't have time. Traffic was stupid and I was late to work. I had some things I wanted to take care of during my prep period before I started teaching, since I'm looking at a deadline on them tomorrow. Plus I was considering just going MIA, but I didn't want to leave that stuff unfinished…it would've wound up hurting other people to leave that undone. At one point it felt good to have a degree of "importance" like that, but now it's a source of stress, a burden. Partly because of my health, and partly because I feel like there's a lack of recognition for what I do (it's part of a technology coordinator position that is outside of my actual job duties, and I get no extra compensation for it…I took it on willingly, but a thanks would be nice).
But I'm getting off of my own topic. I was giving pretty serious consideration to leaving work this morning once I'd finished that bit of paperwork. I think I only stayed because I was fairly occuppied until it was time to teach my first class, and I kindof went on auto-pilot at that point. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration…I didn't have the internal debate about it and make a conscious decision to stay, rather it just happened. So in effect I never found a reason to stick it out through the day, I just wound up doing it.
I've realized a couple of other things this morning. I'm worrying that things may mean something bad when they don't mean anything at all, probably. My boyfriend was gone when I left for work this morning. I worried that it meant something was wrong. Probably he left early to get a jump on traffic or his job site got reassigned for the day. When online friends haven't been around or haven't responded, my first thought has been that I've done something wrong and offended or otherwise bothered them. I'm able to think it through and realize that's probably not the case, often seeing that it is clearly otherwise.
I also realized that I need to tell my boyfriend that I'm not ok right now because he's probably noticed that I'm a bit off, but probably doesn't know why and may have assumed it's something to do with him. As much as I'd like him to ask what's up, I know he also will worry that he has done something wrong. It's something for both of us to work on. So I need to say something. It's something I need to get over. I just don't understand why it's so hard for me to say it outright–I've had this problem before. During past bouts of depression I've had a lot of trouble telling him. I guess I don't want to admit it.
This is the time of year for me to have trouble, though. The weather starts to warm up, the birds start to sing, there's more sun in the day, and I just start to feel like shit. Everything sucks. And the fact that things seem like they should be better and nicer for me…makes it that much worse. I get through the worst of the winter ok. The dark, cold days are no big deal to me. But once spring hits the air, I'm a mess. Some years are worse than others.