I wanted to write this morning, but didn't have time. Traffic was stupid and I was late to work. I had some things I wanted to take care of during my prep period before I started teaching, since I'm looking at a deadline on them tomorrow. Plus I was considering just going MIA, but I didn't want to leave that stuff unfinished…it would've wound up hurting other people to leave that undone. At one point it felt good to have a degree of "importance" like that, but now it's a source of stress, a burden. Partly because of my health, and partly because I feel like there's a lack of recognition for what I do (it's part of a technology coordinator position that is outside of my actual job duties, and I get no extra compensation for it…I took it on willingly, but a thanks would be nice).

But I'm getting off of my own topic. I was giving pretty serious consideration to leaving work this morning once I'd finished that bit of paperwork. I think I only stayed because I was fairly occuppied until it was time to teach my first class, and I kindof went on auto-pilot at that point. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration…I didn't have the internal debate about it and make a conscious decision to stay, rather it just happened. So in effect I never found a reason to stick it out through the day, I just wound up doing it.

I've realized a couple of other things this morning. I'm worrying that things may mean something bad when they don't mean anything at all, probably. My boyfriend was gone when I left for work this morning. I worried that it meant something was wrong. Probably he left early to get a jump on traffic or his job site got reassigned for the day. When online friends haven't been around or haven't responded, my first thought has been that I've done something wrong and offended or otherwise bothered them. I'm able to think it through and realize that's probably not the case, often seeing that it is clearly otherwise.

I also realized that I need to tell my boyfriend that I'm not ok right now because he's probably noticed that I'm a bit off, but probably doesn't know why and may have assumed it's something to do with him. As much as I'd like him to ask what's up, I know he also will worry that he has done something wrong. It's something for both of us to work on. So I need to say something. It's something I need to get over. I just don't understand why it's so hard for me to say it outright–I've had this problem before. During past bouts of depression I've had a lot of trouble telling him. I guess I don't want to admit it.

This is the time of year for me to have trouble, though. The weather starts to warm up, the birds start to sing, there's more sun in the day, and I just start to feel like shit. Everything sucks. And the fact that things seem like they should be better and nicer for me…makes it that much worse. I get through the worst of the winter ok. The dark, cold days are no big deal to me. But once spring hits the air, I'm a mess. Some years are worse than others.

4 Comments
  1. outsidein 7 years ago
    HI…its me again, hope im not bothering or hope i dont say the wrong thing or maybe im saying to much….meh, i understand exactly how you feel, over analyzing situations, but i rebell against my racing thoughts and go for it.
    i have never been one to change moods with the seasons, i do however change moods with the moon, so im quite frequent with mood changes. 
    WORK…ugh depressing in its self as we have to get up get dressed a certain way and go function a certain way that people find socially acceptable,take on extra stuff because we feel obligated when in reality we want to say obscenties and kick dirt around,  LOL. 
    RELATIONSHIPS…so overwhelming if you hold back. You will never know the reaction or answer if you dont reach out or expand your mind to it.  it isnt going to be half as bad as what the mind wants us to believe and if it is, well you have psychic abilites and i would start making money with it, hehehe.
    Relax, take time to free your mind and the rest will follow…
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  2. elektrikhd 7 years ago

    So if course it turned out that my boyfriend being gone in the morning was a matter of his job site being changed to somewhere farther away and him needing to leave earlier to get there on time. Completely mundane and nothing to do with me.

    I took the route of sending an email, since I had resolved that I had to tell him, but doing it verbally felt too daunting. We talked later which was easier, and it turns out he's depressed, too. So in a way I was right about seeing things about how he was acting, but again…it wasn't about me. We got to compare what we were feeling and experiencing, a lot of similar things for both of us. I think it's actually more intense for him right now, but I guess he's less worried? Or maybe it's that his intensity gets stronger than mine, but is also more variable from what he was saying, so maybe it averages out about the same. But I'm glad I sent the email, because now I can be more understanding if he says something that rubs me the wrong way (which happened yesterday), and I know that it's not personal, it's just how it came out.

    I read on a depression blog on another site a while ago something about how dressing up nicely can change your mood, lift it up, and we should do this for the workplace more. It's nice to dress up once in a while, I think, and if my clothes fit at that point in time and I manage to strike a good combination, then I do wind up feeling a little better about myself for a time. But they seemed to think this would be something lasting…and also that jobs should make a policy change! Maybe it was cultural, since the blogger and commenters were from the UK, but I'm sure there's a lot of individual variation. I think it's a matter of how you feel comfortable. I'm a t-shirts and jeans type of person. That's how I feel like myself, that's how I feel like I can express myself. Sometimes I'm in a different mood and dress differently, and feel comfortable that way. My slacks and button-down shirt I wear for work are not "me," as much as I have tried to put personal twists on it. When my mood is good, I don't care, it's just a thing, but when my mood is low, it has the potential to be much more of a drag on me, frustrate me, and make me long for my college days when I was doing more of a goth thing with my clothes (fishnets, silver jewelry, painted nails on a male). I remember the blogger and commenters complaining about "casual Friday" or "blue jeans Friday" and being the odd one out wearing slacks or even being the odd one out wearing a suit in the middle of the week, when nobody would wear a jacket, and few would even wear a tie. I've never been bothered by being the odd one out; I comply with the dress code at work because there are actual consequences for not doing it. I'm almost always happier being myself, even if I'm different from the crowd (ok, sometimes because I'm different from the crowd), than doing something to blend in. There's exceptions of course. But I'd rather be me, and not misrepresent myself.

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  3. outsidein 7 years ago

    I have always been a dress for the occasion type of person. i cant say i really have a style, idk i guess i do, hell idk, anyways i always wear clothes appropriate for the setting i will be in, it makes me feel like i am connecting better with what is going on, i get the feel for iwhats going on. Like for instance me and some friends are going to start hiking next week so i went and bought hiking clothes, i mean i could have just threw a pair of shorts and a shirt on, but i like to dress for the occasion. I am a college student so i have certain clothes only for school, certain clothes for rainy days, certain clothes i only wear at home and then i have my formal clothes for those ever so seldom functions that require me to look like a snobbish person., i totally am out of place in those clothes. everyone may have seperate their clothes into occasion, i have never really asked anyone.  anyways, i havent been on in a couple days, busy with life.

    I will say a person on here has crossed into my bubble as far as pushing to know if i trust them, and stating i am standoffish?? meh, i didnt ever reply back, but  it was a bit creepy.

    i have a new kitten, she is evil. pure evil. but i love her. found a puppy in the middle of the road so i rescued her and named her lilly. all in a week.

    I am glad things are coming to a understanding for you and your boyfriend.

    i feel comfortable typing in your space.

    Have a great evening and work week.

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  4. elektrikhd 7 years ago

    By all means feel free to comment here, there, "my" space is open. Or send a private message if you want, too.

    I've been a bit absent dealing with my Crohn's, but I was in my specialist's office today and got some extra meds, so hopefully I'll start to feel better soon. I'm just don't have much energy right now.

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