This week has been a bunch of ups and downs….I am trying to focus on the ups (my family is down from Tennessee so I have been able to see them a few times this week, my mom is taking me and my kiddos to Legoland tomorrow, my kids and I are healthy, we have enough food for the week) but the downs just keep on rolling in and bombarding my mind and I am starting to get frustrated and anxious about what is to come. Here's the deal:

My boyfriend is ALWAYS sick, or hurts, or he's depressed (any of these promotes him to sleep all day, any/every day he can) or he takes a few too many pain pills and then his regular dose of xanax and turns into a zombie, or he has anxiety attacks….there is always, and I mean always something wrong with him. To be honest, I do love him, I am drawn to him, but I am sick and tired of him being sick and tired. He messed up and got fired from one job, is now on probation and works for a dealership that decided not to pay half of his commission the last time he worked for them (this is what started the financial and eventual emotional rock bottom that I – we- hit)…but it was the only place that would take him with his pending charges. The first month that he worked there, they paid him like they should …but now that its the end of the second month, he played the rolls of the GM (until they hired one) the finance manager AND the general sales manager – he brought up their new car sales by double and did the same with their gross profits (he DOES know what he is doing, is one of the best in the business) they ripped him off again.

Well we are still trying to play catch up from the first financial hole we fell into – and were going to be just about out of it with if he had received his full commission check…but no – they only paid him half. He tells them that he cannot even afford to drive the 2 hours to work if he doesn't get paid the rest…they assume he quits and the GM "fires" him. He has had a few interviews, but nothing has panned out so far…and he has not idea where to go or what to do….we cannot survive on my salary alone. I am completely freaking out (since my electric is late and about to be cut off and I don't get paid for another week)…we do not have gas in either car and I am frustrated that he messed up, frustrated that he went back to work for the people that ripped him off last time and frustrated that they ripped him off again…especially after he, more-or-less, saved their butts by pulling the dealership together when no one else was there to run it AND doubled their numbers.

In the meanwhile, he is prescribed pain pills due to a degenerative spinal disorder…and I have never had a problem with him taking those…he doesn't typically overdo it and he really needs them, otherwise he can't function (meaning he can't lay down, sit or stand comfortably at all and his blood pressure hits the roof due to his pain level)….OK, no problem there….except, just before this commission issue, he has been taking them and taking xanax and has been a zombie at home for a couple of weeks…now he is out of the pain meds and we can't afford more, so the zombie has stayed at bay but he hurts so bad he goes to the ER (which he does for EVERYTHING since we don't have insurance, I have gotten to the point that I don't even feel the need to go with him, and am not a nervous wreck when he goes…because he goes that often – like once a month or so)

He keeps wondering why I am so distant, if I don't love him anymore, why I am not affectionate, etc. I keep trying to tell him (as nicely as possible) that all of the stress and him always being sick, the fact that our finances are shot etc. I am to the point that I am doing everything that I can to just maintain….to pretend I am okay and play with my kids, make dinner, etc.

Thankfully, he got a text last night from the owner of the company (the one the ripped him off ) and says that he will give my b/f gas money…that means that he will at least get his pay check this week (cuz they were going to withhold that if he was fired/quit) and he is supposed to get some kind of incentive money by the manufacturer for his dealership (even that was about NOT to go through because they had him tagged as the wrong position in their system…we got confirmation last night that they changed it and we should get that in a few days)…. So am in shock, thankful that things seem to be panning out, but totally emotionally numb cuz I just don't know what's coming up, if he is going to keep this job…SHOULD he keep this job becuase his pay will always be messed up (he is leaving it up to me to make the decision…which I tell him to keep interviewing at other places, but we cannot survive on one salary) – I just want things to SMOOTH OUT you know??

My b/f is not a bad guy…he makes mistakes like everyone else; I just don't know what to tell him about how I feel about his "issues". I cannot and will not sit here and watch him be a zombie everytime he gets his meds, I can't really tell him to stay in pain, but I feel awful about being so indifferent about him being sick, or tired etc. He does love me, he would do anything in his power for me, he does his best to take care or me and my kids – I just don't know what to do. Its definitely not the ideal situation, but it is not abusive or horrible…just difficult much of the time, and I am not ready to give up on it, or us.

Thanks for letting me vent…not really looking for a response – just needed to get it out there…I hope someone understands what I am going through.