My first "love" started when I was only 13 and he was 16. He was my friends older brother and man, I fell in "love" fast with Josh, from the beginning there was just something about the way he looked at me, the way he would play little games, the way he would caress me when Liz (my friend, his little sister) would leave the room. He was there for me through my family issues he would call every night to make sure I wasn't getting myself into trouble by "back talking" my alcoholic drug addict parents. I would go to his house every weekend and every night once Liz fell asleep I would sneak to the living room to watch movies and steal a few kisses from the first guy who even bothered to care about me. We were secretly together that entire summer before 8th grade, i loved spending time with him even if it only was during the night while everyone else i the world was sleeping it was our time and we loved it.
Now as you can expect I wasn't the only girl in his life, I found out from Liz that he had a girlfriend and she could hear them having sex just about everyday after school. This was heart breaking I felt I needed to put out and if I did what she was doing, it would make me seem older, more mature and he would only want me. Well, for my 14th birthday I told him I wanted to see him so I stayed with Liz and once she fell asleep I snuck into his room, I started doing everything I had seen in movies and what not and he gently laid me down on his bed and took my pants off you know what happens after that. Well after that one time it became a routine every weekend he would get some from me but little did I know during the week Holly his legit girlfriend was getting it too.
Things were going well I thought I had an amazing boyfriend and it would only be secret for a little while longer. 6 months went by and things started to fizzle between him and I but I was afraid to lose him. I no longer saw him every weekend but every once and while he would come home late and pull me out of the room. We had broken up but with the intent of getting back together once he got his own place, we continued having sex.
4 months later I was starting to feel strange. I had missed my period but didn't think anything of it because come on now I couldn't get pregnant, I was only 14, Right? Wrong. 2 weeks before my missed period he had told me he didn't want to get back wit me nor see nor talk to me anymore I was devastated. 3 weeks after my missed period I started feeling nauseous and hvaing weird bubbly feelings in my lower abdomen. I called Josh and told him that I had missed but I didn't know what to do. He responded with, "as your friend I'm telling you to take a pregnancy test but if you are that is not my problem. i do not care for you or that baby. it isn't my responsibility." and then hung up. I told my friend and that night we walked up to Walgreen's where i purchased my first pregnancy test. I was so scared we got back to her house and took the test. Two small pink lines appeared I fell to the ground crying I cannot raise a child especially alone. I sent a picture of the test to Josh and called him crying histerically. how could this happen to me? I do my chores, I don't get into trouble, I get straight A's, I'm on the volleyball team, I do everything I can to make my life better and now I'm faced with having a child at 14. Josh says, "you have to tell your parents but don't tell them it was me, baby. i'll help you but i have to figure this out. you know i can go to jail for this babe you don't want that do you?" of course i didn't but I feared telling my parents to sign a letter saying I failed to turn in a math assignment how was i supposed to tell them i was pregnant. I decided to keep it secret or try to. 9 weeks into the pregnancy I began having extreme morning sickness I would throw up for hours at a time I had migrains and when I wasn't throwing up I was sleeping. My mom took me to the doctors and they scheduled an MRI to help find out what was wrong.
November 29, 2007 my mom came home when I had just finished one of my puke sessions and something just clicked in her head and she asked, "Tracy, are you pregnant?" I started crying and apologizing. She left the house and came back two hours later with a test of course the test came out positive. She began crying and calling me a ***** asking me why i would do this to her, i was supposed to be better than her not make the same mistakes she did. That night we went to Josh and Liz's house Liz was furious with me, I have never felt that alone in my life. I had my "friend" telling me she hated me that she never wanted to see me again. her parents saying that they trusted me at their house and i betrayed them and began yelling at my parents for not teaching me to keep my legs closed. I also had my own parents saying that they should of taught me better but they didn't know they had a slut living in their household. my uncle was also there telling me in my ear "look at all the trouble you have caused us, was it worth it, trace?" and then finally Josh said, "it cant be mine, you didnt even know she was having sex so how do you know how many people that tramp has or has not been with…" And then there is me with a child growing inside of me I felt like maybe that baby was all I had. The next couple days I started thinking about being a mother I could be a good mother without anyone, I started making a plan. I grew close to that baby, then December 4 my mom finally talked to me. She was being kind and told me that there was no way for us to raise a baby money was tight and she reminded me how hard it would be for me to live a fulfilling life if i kept it. I told her my plan and she became furious and said, "Tracy I can't tell you what to do but if you keep that baby, no thats not even a baby a baby is made from love that THING is made from irresponsible little kids playing grown up games, so if you decide to keep that THING you will not live here, and you will not here from us your uncles, aunts or grandparents anymore" At 14 almost 15 what was I to do but agree to the abortion.
December 6, 2007 12:43 PM I was called back into the surgical room. My doctor asked me if I have ever been drunk or smoke marijuana to explain how the drugs would make me feel. I cried during the entire procedure not from the pain, which was excruciating, but from the loss of my own child. I did not talk to anyone for a little over a month and I felt terrible for going through with something I did not want to do. That baby did nothing to deserve what had come his way but I know now 4 years later that it was the smarter choice for me. I am now college bound, ready to go on and one day have children I can care for on my own when the time is right.
There isn't one day that goes by where I don't think about how my life would be different if i would of kept that baby but I believe he is watching over me waiting for the right time to come back to me, and he knows next time around I will take care of him the way he deserves. I just hope until that time he can forgive me for being a little selfish and help me move forward instead of always looking back on that mistake.